Dropping the Ball(s)

I have to apologize. I've been gone, absent, MIA, and AWOL for the past 2 weeks. As good as I get at juggling, there are times that life just kicks the crap out of me while I'm looking the other way. Since the holiday break that closely followed by The Great Blizzard of 2011, it has felt like I'm slipping, hanging on by my fingertips sometimes and not quite able to catch my balance. 2 weeks ago I completely careened off track.

It doesn't feel like it's always been this way. When I was a single, working mom, I could do it all. I was able to keep a (relatively) cleanish house, the laundry caught up, dinners on the table (so what if Shorty and I ate out so often that when we did eat at home she was looking for the waitress), and my work/life obligations handled with aplomb.

Then Shorty and I moved to Thailand and it became pretty darn easy to be a single working mom. In fact, I can't honestly say that I was a single mom there. After all, get the violins and hankies ready, we had a maid, nanny and driver (K. Pim, Kwang, and K. Tanin) who were with us all the time and in fact made up a family of sorts for us. When Shorty learned to ride a bike, it was Khun Tanin who ran up and down the street with her. And when I got home in the evening, Khun Pim had dinner made and the laundry done, and we could all sit down and eat dinner together. The time that I could spend with Shorty was the "quality kind" because Kwang made sure that she was bathed (along with any other children that were at our house! (But that's another story!)) and that homework was done. I knew that she was loved and cared for and played with and so while there was always the pang of guilt that comes motherhood, I didn't worry as much as I had before. We were spoiled and it was awesome.

Then we met and married Honey and it turns out that I didn't know what awesome really was! We moved back to the US and are a real family, he was the piece that was missing. But.....it seems that I lost that ability to multitask - to get the laundry done, the groceries stocked, the dinner on the table in a timely fashion, all while excelling at my job (I know, I know the violins are playing). And even though all time spent with Shorty is the "quality kind", I spend more of it fussing about homework, trying to remember when her last shower was, and getting after her to do her chores. Some days I'm sick of myself so I can only imagine how she feels! And so things slide through the cracks.

Last week Shorty has a stomach ache and a fever. After trying to let it fix itself for a day or so, Honey took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with strep...and extreme constipation. The strep...ok, fine, it's been going around. But the doctor asked when the last time Shorty had pooped was and when neither of them knew, proceeded to give him the full lecture that really should have been given to me. Turns out she's been so constipated that her colon is stretched out and she's full of poo, she doesn't get enough fiber or water and I'm a terrible mother. OK, she didn't say that last part but it was implied. How did I miss this? Since I don't have to wipe her butt anymore, I have to say that my observations about her regularity (or irregularity as the case might be) are solely based on making sure that she has toilet paper in her bathroom. But shouldn't I have noticed or asked or...something? Is it because I've been so busy trying to get it all together and working and exercising and being all things to all people? Am I bad mother?

Right on the heels of that Honey and I got the flu. Bad. He's been completely knocked out of commission this week, suddenly the partner that I rely on to help me juggle was out of the game. So I dropped all pretense of trying to do it all and concentrated on the basics - Shorty, food, school. Screw work (which I realize it a luxury most don't have) and exercise. Surely I could handle those few things, even with the flu myself -  I once worked/parented for 3 weeks with dengue fever for God's sake!! But all I can say is thank God for friends because they pitched in and helped to take care of Shorty so that we could mend. I guess that I can't do it all any more and that's hard for me to admit.

But as I sit here typing this post, I see pretty clearly that I don't have to do it all by myself anymore. I have a wonderful husband (who usually doesn't have the flu) and fantastic friends and an amazing daughter. I'm disappointed in myself for dropping so many balls, but I have the support structure to be able to pick them up again. And I guess that's the important thing for any mom who's going back to work - find those supporters, be they husband, family, or friends and let them help!

So this post started as one thing and during the very long, drawn out way has become something else. Find your support, allow yourself to appreciate it, and utilize it. And talk to your kids about their poop every day.

Big Sexy

A few months ago Honey and I were in Asheville for a little R & R. Driving along the highway, we came up behind a white Lexus SUV and covering the back window was "Big Sexy" written in flowery, white script. We sped up and moved alongside the SUV and there on the side window was "Big Sexy" written again. Curiosity was killing us as we pulled up closer to the driver's side window and we started craning our necks so that we could see this person who had deemed herself "Big Sexy". Being extremely subtle about it, we finally pulled alongside and indeed, she was Big and she was Sexy. We laughed and went on our way, making the occasional Big Sexy reference throughout the rest of the trip, simply a little personal joke for us to share.

I think about Big Sexy every once in a while and I'm envious of the sheer balls that it takes to proclaim yourself "Big Sexy" for the all world to see. Because not a day goes by that I don't beat up on myself for my weight OR what I've eaten OR the amount of exercise that I (did or didn't) get OR the way my clothes fit... I've been in a constant losing battle with myself for as long as I can remember. And it sucks.

I mean really, there are so many things in my life as a working mother/wife that I can legitimately feel guilty about, for example:

• Not knowing the last time Shorty took a shower.
• Not having anything in the house to eat because I haven't gone to the grocery store in 2 weeks.
• Not realizing that what Honey really needed was for me to be his cheerleader, not his drill sergeant.
• Realizing on Monday morning that none of us has clean underwear.

Those are things to feel kind of guilty about...but I can pretty easily forgive myself for stuff like this. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving about most things, whether it's me or someone else, I mean we're all just doing the best we can, right? But when it comes to my body and weight I'm brutal to myself, in a way that I would never, ever be to anyone else (even my ex-MIL or Gwynyth Paltrow).

And I'm not the only one, I can't think of a single woman I know who is completely happy with her body. And I have to say...my friends are total babes!

I know that these aren't original thoughts or issues. Books and articles galore have been written on the topic, Oprah and Dr. Phil have done countless shows, and there are more diets out there than people in China. But none offer a real solution or a magic fix and I've just sort of accepted it as part of my psyche.

Until this week, when Shorty told me that within her group of friends, girls have been calling themselves and each other fat. They're 8. And I have to wonder, did our own self-hatred and discontent get transferred to them, because even if I never say a single word about it in front of her, guilt this pervasive has to be obvious on a subliminal level.

So I'm going to start being nicer to myself because this isn't what I want for my daughter. As she grows up, no matter what her size, I want her to always know, without any doubt, that she's Big Sexy.

But it will be ok if she doesn't write it on her car.

What I learned in THE BIG EXPERIMENT! by Kim

It was an interesting week and while there was a part of me that viewed it as a lark, I learned quite a bit about how I do things and where my priorities lay.


First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.


I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.


Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.


Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.


Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.


Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging!  I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.


Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?


I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.

The BIG Experiment Day 5 TGIF by Kim

6:30-7:30 Get up 10 minutes earlier to get Shorty's spelling worksheet done. Neither one of us is especially excited to be awake this Friday morning! Totally my fault though for staying out late last night...

8:00-9:30 Answer emails, work on those slides that won't end...

9:30-10:00 Lightning fast shower. It ain't pretty but I'm clean!

10:00-12:30 Go with Honey to get allergy shots and then to grab some lunch. Pretty much ready to write off the rest of the day...but....

12:30-2:00 Sit my ass back down to finish the week out meeting my work hours goal. Didn't hit all the workouts OR the showers but I finished out strong with my work responsibilities!

2:00-ON Picked Shorty up from school and started the weekend... And that's all I have to say about that!

Tomorrow I will fill in what I observed about my parenting, the way this house runs, how my husband and I operate, and of course how work went...

The BIG Experiment!! Day Three by Diane

4:38 am  Wonderful Hubby wakes me up with his snoring.  This is a recurring theme in our household.  Move to spare bedroom.  Spend half hour worrying about interview.  Fall back to sleep.

6:25 am  Woken by small dog who wants food.  Wonderful Hubby comes to wake me up as well, since my alarm has gone off, and then goes to wake the kids.  I am grateful for having prepared the coffee to start automatically.

6:30-7:30 Take out recycling, drip stale beer down my shoulder.  Not going to ruin my mood, however. Got the kids out the door on time and with most of their morning chores completed!  Even stopped the car before pushing them out at school!

7:30-8:45 Have a walk with Kim.  Good discussions of why our hubbies are helping out MORE than usual this week.  BOTH husbands have pointed out that they'd do whatever around the house, we only had to ask.  Strangely enough, we haven't had to ask them to do anything so far this week, they've just seen something needing to be done and done it.  Think the blog is great in more ways than one!  Got a bit lost and had to use the iPhone to find our way back to our cars.

8:45-9:30 Yikes!  Gotta hustle to shower and prepare for interview.  Try on aforementioned out of date suit.  Marvel that it still fits (see that scheduled exercise really pays off!) and looks okay.  It is a bit uncomfortable because it has a waistline that goes over the navel, and I have been wearing low-rise pants for the last 5 years, but, with the jacket on, no one will know but me!

10:00-11:00 Meet with a wonderful friend who has a need for some part-time contract work.  (It really is all about who you know!)  Work out a win/win for both of us.  If CFO agrees, I start next week!  Really great company with bright engaging professionals.  Got to use big words!  Head home, starting to really HATE suit and want to pull an Al Bundy.

11:00-1:15  Voicemail from teacher who says son might have pink eye.  Ignore it.  They'll call again if they need to send him home.  Panic about what happens now that Wonderful Hubby is traveling.  Emails from volunteers in a panic.  Get home, want a stiff drink, settle for what's left of the coffee, RIP off evil suit and throw it into a pile - climb into comfy jeans and slouchy sweater.  Sit down to work.

1:45-3:00  Realize that I forgot that I'd help out at kids' school and hustle out the door so that they don't wind up riding the bus home to find that I'm not.  Have kids do homework while volunteering.

3:30-5:00  Take kids to Toys R Us.  Need birthday gifts, and kids are dying to spend gift cards.  Curse gift cards given by well-meaning family members.  Tell kids only 1/2 an hour.  1 and 1/2 hours later, leave store.

5:30-7:00 Yay! Awesome brother comes to rescue and grabs kids for dinner.  Work on volunteer projects in peace.  Have glass of wine!  Forget to make to-do list for tomorrow.  Remark that I need to 1. take dog to the vet, 2. take car in for repair, 3. am almost out of milk.  Wonder when the heck I'm going to do that!?

7:00-9:00 Friend time!  Enjoy get-together at friend's.  Feel connected with other women/mommies.

9:00-10:00 pick up sleeping kids from Awesome Brother's and try to sneak them into bed before they wake up too much.  Have LONG conversation with emotional (and tired)7 year old. Realize I have only had string cheese, coffee, and wine to eat today.  Have another glass of wine, eat frozen dinner and a bunch of potato chips while catching up on DVR TV(so much for that workout).  Feel guilty, throw away bag of chips.

For the most part, this was a good fulfilling day.  Didn't spend enough time with children, which seems to show.  Plan on making up for that tomorrow!

The BIG Experiment Day 3 by Kim

6:30-7:20 Crawl out of bed and Shorty is already up - she's definitely a morning person unlike her old mom. Try to see if it's raining as Di and I text back and forth to see if we can walk. Decide to suck it up and do it - this is why having a workout buddy is so effective, no one wants to be the first to puss out. Drop Shorty at school after a breakfast of Rice Krispies over which we discuss why the milk should be put on before the sugar.

7:30 - 8:40 Walk with Di. It ends up being longer than we planned since we managed to get ourselves lost in the neighborhood. Wonder if maybe we should change our tagline. :)

8:45-10:57 Take out the recycling and chat with Honey about what our days look like. Sit down to finish and post The BIG Experiment Day 2. Answer emails about a project I'm currently managing and remember that I need to invoice them so I can get paid! Contemplate folding the laundry. Send Di a good luck text about her interview today!!!

10:58-12:30 Friends pick me up to grab a quick lunch. No one has showered yet so we take a table in the corner.

12:30-1:45 Work on a seminar presentation that's coming up in February - is closer than I realized.

1:45-2:15 Shower and contemplate folding the laundry.

2:15-4:15 Grocery store, enroll Shorty in the tumbling class, Trader Joes, and B12 shot, finish all errands with about 20 minutes until time to pick up kids, so crank up the music and just drive around singing and being blissfully alone. Wave sheepishly at the cars next to me who notice me singing.

4:30-5:30 Pick Shorty and La up at their after school program. Drop La off at home and go in for a quick glass of wine and some conversation.

5:45-6:00 Bring in groceries, kiss Honey, change shoes.

6:00-11:30 Go to a movie and dinner with girlfriends. Honey and Shorty seem happy to have me out and are able to hold down the fort without me. Reflect on how lucky I am.

11:45-12:15 Answer some design questions that have come up with a project in the Central time zone with a brief phone call.

12:30 BED!!!

Again, not so great with the actual schedule...BUT still hit my goal of the tasks that I wanted to accomplish , the number of hours I wanted to dedicate, and getting in the workout. Laundry is still being contemplated, maybe tomorrow, which will also include additional home stuff - like cooking dinner and some clean up since Honey carried the bulk of it today (but I'm pretty sure that he'll still clean up the kitchen for me!).

As much as I like to think I'm pretty disciplined, this experiment is teaching me the wisdom of clearly defining tasks and carving out the time to complete them. As well as making me notice how much time the little stuff can suck up if you don't group it together and actively limit the time you spend on it.

The BIG Experiment!! Day Two by Diane

6:30-6:45 Hit snooze button several times, wake up late

6:45-7:30 Find that wonderful hubby has done most of the laundry AND the dishes while I was in a coma last night! Wake up children who complain of stomach aches and cry about having to go to school. Check emails, try to drink coffee in between yelling at kids to get a move on.

7:35-7:45 Still in pjs, scramble into car and push kids out at carpool. Go back home. Planned to run this morning, but since it is raining, opt to stay in pjs and get to work. Sigh at the thought of having to workout on Saturday instead.

7:45-8:45 Look at presentation that I have to give this week and realize that I am SO not prepared! Anxiety runs amok and I decide to get ready for my 9:30 meeting (volunteer activity) instead.

9:30-11:00 PTA meeting.... get so much information and added to my to-do list for volunteerism.

11:00-noon Start going through all of the emails that have ended up in my in-box. Get caught up in it, send Kim a note that I am running late (gotta love technology)

12-12:45 Meeting with Kim at coffice very productive. Realize that I forgot to brush teeth this morning. Resolve to be better tomorrow. Go home and RUN mail to the mailman, who has decided to be kind and wait for me. Get upset at morons who can't do their jobs thoroughly and now have to make another phone call/write letter/send it in AGAIN.

1:00-2:15 Brush teeth. Eat. Blog. Determined to finish resume.

2:15-5:30  Kids come home and immediately ask what we are doing today.  Pout when I tell them "nothing".  After getting them settled with snacks and homework, pretty much ignore children.  Research and work on my resume.  Children interrupt on occasion, and I have a notedly short temper with them.  Resume working on my resume.  (remark that resume and resume are spelled the same, less the accent - I think it's time for a break!)  Youngest watching his 30 minutes of TV (turns into an hour).  Resolve to manage time better tomorrow for second time today.

5:30-6:00  Wonderful hubby is already preparing dinner.  Youngest upset that we couldn't go to Toys R Us today.  I set out to tackle the mount of folded laundry that covers the dining room table.  Enlist children to help, when I notice it's all MY stuff.  Put away laundry, have children set table, feed dog, etc.  Scan and email document to friend, return phone calls from friends.  File some of year's worth of bills so that I can finish taxes for accountant.

6:00-6:30  Sit down and enjoy wonderful dinner.  Food is so much better when someone else prepares it, don't you think?

6:30-7:00  Dishwasher still running (again!  this never used to happen!) so dishes are rinsed and left in sink for tomorrow.  Wonderful hubby irons his new shirt (?!)  I sit down to do more research and work on blog.  Kids playing Wii and don't interrupt.

7:00-7:30  Get kids ready for bed after tearing them away from Wii.

7:30-8:00  Write to-do list, check email. Panic about meeting tomorrow - more about fitting into my old business suits, which are probably VERY out of date, than the actual interview/meeting.  Panic about presentation on Thursday.  Resolve to take tomorrow one step at a time.  Have glass of wine to calm myself.

8:00-10:00 Exhausted and ready for bed, but somehow manage to watch film with subtitles in its entirety.  Overall an okay day.  I'll be better tomorrow!

The BIG Experiment Day 2 by Kim

5:45 - 6:20 Curse as the alarm goes off but drag my ass out of bed. Get 4 layers of clothes on, eat a piece of PB toast, and head out the door to meet a friend for a workout.

6:25 Curse as the first raindrops hit my windshield pulling up in front of her house.

6:30-7:30 Walk and talk and walk and talk. It's what I needed - both the exercise and the camaraderie. Who cares if I'm looking like a drowned muskrat (no, I don't know what a muskrat looks like either but you know what I mean).

7:30 - 8:15 Hubby (from here forward to be known as Honey except when I'm ticked and then it'll be @#!Honey) took Shorty to school so I take the trash out, pour a cup of coffee and finish then post The BIG Experiment Day 1). Answer a couple of emails and make a list for the day.

8:15 - 9:30 Take Honey to get allergy shots. *He's allergic to cats (plus everything else - the man should live in a bubble!) and Shorty and I moved here from Thailand with 2 cats and then adopted a kitten a couple of months ago. The kitten pushed him over the allergy cliff he was perched on so we had to do something. Since he opted to get the allergy shots from the start and never even entertained the idea of getting rid of the cats, I feel like the least I can do is go along with him. Update our twitter and facebook feeds while I'm waiting. Swing by Fresh Market on the way home so there's actual food in the house that we want to eat.

9:30-11:00 Work on posts, read a couple of other blogs that I follow to be caught up, read through some business sites and journals to find future Post ideas. Still ignoring kitchen. Double fisting Diet Dr. Pepper and coffee...starting to twitch.

11:00-11:45 Have a meeting with Di and our graphics person today at 12:00 at the coffice, so a shower is necessary.

12:00-12:45 Meet with Di and Helen - make huge strides in nailing down a logo. It's pretty cool - we're almost legit. Di and I reflect that with the spotlight upon them both of our already helpful husbands have stepped it up into SuperHusband territory...contemplate a recurring piece on this topic....

12:45 - 1:00 Pick up the drycleaning, drive it home and haul all 900 lbs upstairs to the closet. Wonder how long it's been since one of us picked it up...

1:00 - 2:10 Researching other blogs/websites that operate in the same arena that we do - both inspired and intimidated.

2:30-4:15 Picked Shorty up from school and came home. Managed a healthy snack of smoothies and hummus - yay me!

*For people (like me) who are incapable of keeping fresh fruit alive and edible, the Yoplait packaged smoothies are AWESOME - the berries are already portioned out and it has frozen chunks of vanilla yogurt in it. (Disclosure: Yoplait has never heard of me and isn't paying me to endorse their product, however should they decide they want to I wouldn't say no.)

Then homework - more fractions...did we do fractions in 2nd grade? It seems that it was much later....

I cleaned up the kitchen and sat down to try and find a gymnastics program for Shorty since I didn't get it all together to get extracurricular activities planned for her once the cheerleading season ended. Found one but am going to have to go by tomorrow to register since their website doesn't allow for that...that's obnoxious.

4:15-5:15 Veg with Shorty. Contemplate folding laundry.

5:15 - 6:30 Go out for dinner. Try Ethiopian for the first time - it's awesome!! Not sure which one us has the most fun eating with our hands.

6:30-8:00 Contemplate folding laundry especially since Honey has kept it running all day and it's now done. But instead flop on the couch and watch the end of a DVR'd movie as a family. Recall at 8:00 that I'm not sure when Shorty had a shower last but it's too late to do anything about that now as she's got to go to bed.

8:00-8:15 Receive (and answer) some complimentary emails about the blog, marvel at the fact that one of the founders of iRelaunch has become a twitter follower (how cool is that!) and put together my To-Do list for Wednesday.

8:15 - 10:30 Contemplate folding the laundry. Watch a movie with Honey and have a glass of wine (or 2)

11:00 Bed and to sleep

Again, the thing that I noticed the most about today is that by stating that I had to dedicate a set amount of time to work/family/self I was able to meet my goal. I didn't follow the schedule to a T as promised, but I did get all the important stuff in - including both a workout and work. I also am much more aware of grouping errands along with times that I'm already out, as opposed to making multiple trips, which has me feeling less frazzled. And I even showered! Feeling like a bit of a badass!

The BIG Experiment!! Day One by Diane

6:30-7:30 Getting kids ready for school:  Went generally well for a Monday.  Reconsidering the chores assigned to children.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down, Opened car door= pushed them out

7:45-9:00 By some small miracle traffic was slight for a Monday. Had great work out, feel good!

9:00-9:45 I am clean and pretty.  Wonder what will happen when I have to wear something besides jeans and slippers, however.

9:45-11:30 Sit down in home office.  Odd smell in seldom used room.  Resist urge to investigate.  Resist urge to answer emails.  Post blog.  Read blogs.  Resist urge to look at emails.  Work on resume.  Hubby comes by to see what I am up to.  Response: "Working"

11:30  Finally succumb to incessant chiming of emails.  ACK!  Email from hubby (who works in the other room, no less) to check out some $10 socks he wants to buy.  Resist urge to scream.

11:35  Back to work on resume.  Research resume writing tips.

12:00  Hubby comes by to see what I am doing.  Response: "Working"

12:10  Hubby comes by to ask if he can make me a sandwich.  How nice- good husband.

12:15-1:15  Continue to work on resume and research.  Still wondering about that smell...

1:15-2:15  Proud of myself, actually did answer all of my PTA emails and worked on volunteer activities!

2:15-4:30  Was worried about this part of the day.  Fortunately, hubby helped son with homework and I continued to clean around the house, including finding and cleaning source of strange smell.  Got one load of laundry folded while children put their clothes away, and managed to return a phone call and some emails, most of which were volunteer related (so much for sticking to one hour).

4:30-4:40  Forgot to pay a bill due tomorrow.  Thank goodness for online banking.

5:00-6:15  Wonderful hubby prepares meatloaf while I fold laundry and order children to put it away.  Remind children of their chore responsibilities while making potatoes, salad and green beans to go with aforementioned meatloaf.  Play words with friends while cooking.  Pour glass of wine.

6:15-7:30  Clean up while wonderful hubby bathes kids.  Unfortunately the dishwasher is still running, so rinse dishes and pile in sink.  Wonder if I will get to them tonight, or wait until the morning.  Program coffee maker (bonus!) for early start.  Another load of laundry done. Pour second glass of wine

7:30-8:00  Read kids a book, worry that 5 year old will never read because his mommy never reads to him.  Check email and I have an interview on Wednesday!  Wow... then the panic sets in...ah, hell, lets have another glass of wine!   Make to-do list for tomorrow (finish resume!)

8:00- 10:00 Wow, today wasn't so bad.  I'm thinking that this might be do-able.  I still have laundry piled in the hallway, my bed isn't made, and the dishes are still in the sink, but feel I have accomplished more than I expected.  Then again... tomorrow is another day!

The BIG Experiment!! Day 1 by Kim

6:30-7:30 Hit snooze until 6:40 but fortunately Shorty is a better morning person than her mom - so smooth sailing for a Monday morning.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down and she remembered to tuck and roll!

7:45-9:00 Didn't make the workout as I was obsessing about the huge amount of crap that I had to do. Hubby gets all chatty while I'm typing but after a few grunted responses asks if I want to be left alone.

9:00-9:45 Still wearing the pj, yoga pant, hoodie combo that I pulled on when I got out of bed. Soooo pretty. But have whittled down my to-do list enough that I'm able to see the rest of my week being ok which feels like a decent trade off.

9:45-11:30 Have gotten SO much done! Only played words with friends twice and danced with the cat once...not too shabby!

11:30 Made some lunch and walked past all the dishes still in the sink where they were left by unnamed family members. Maybe they will put themselves into the dishwasher...

11:35 Chuckle at Diane's husbands' quest for $10 socks and marvel at her restraint. Thank Hubby for picking up prescription and feel slightly bad that I didn't wait to have lunch with him.

11:45 Back to work. Edited seminar materials, posted the resume blog entry, paid bills, and did some more research.

1:15 Decide that today I'm going to "volunteer" to shower and the "passion" that I'm going to focus on is making myself generally presentable. Feeling like a scrub, albeit an extremely productive scrub.

So my following of the schedule this morning wasn't too great, seeing as I didn't get the workout or the shower in - but tomorrow is another day! And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this afternoon...

2:20 Got Shorty picked up and ran to Walgreens. Now she's putting her clothes away while I peck away on this and then it'll be time for homework. Fractions today - it's a little disconcerting when you're apprehensive about 2nd grade homework but she still believes I know everything. Do you remember fractions...I don't!

2:30 - 4:30 Shorty does homework and I putter around in the house, nothing especially constructive. Hubby loads the dishwasher and starts it. :)

5:30 Realize that I bought flounder instead of ANY other type of fish plus it's been a couple of days so it's a bit sketchy. Hubby cooks flounder and squash while I make a chimichurri sauce to disguise flounder. Comes out of oven - blech, not eating it!

6:30 Make spaghetti. Laugh about disgusting flounder as a family.

8:00 Shorty to bed and Hubby and I watch House.

9:30 BED!!!

10:30 To sleep.

The thing that made the most impact on me today is that if I block out the time to work and have the discipline to stick to that schedule, I get so much more accomplished and feel better about myself (and things in general) at the end of the day. I was disappointed that I didn't get a work out in but have to really work at making that a non-negotiable priority, hence I'm walking with a friend at 6:30AM tomorrow. I also will remember that I don't like sketchy flounder.

Trying to Live the Life I know...by Kim

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It's not only drug-addled 19th century authors - I tend to start many of my days with a completely unrealistic expectation of how the day will unfold. It's especially true around New Years as those nagging resolutions start creeping into my brain. The things that I SHOULD, and every year DO, resolve to do: lose weight, eat healthier, not yell at my husband, clean the kitty litter out without cursing, wake up early each morning for some meditation time, be punctual, stop procrastinating, quit cursing so much, be a perfect mother, wife and friend, be successful at my job and balance it perfectly with everything else, shower everyday....see I'm already way past 6.

So I've decided that I'm going to try to live 2011 based on the things that I know, not believe, but know.

I know that if I fit some exercise in at least a couple times a week I will feel better, more centered and productive, more confident, and be less likely to yell at my husband.

I know that if I get up when the alarm goes off, instead of hitting the snooze button like a pinata, that getting the day started and my daughter off to school will be far more pleasant for everyone AND I won't spend the day feeling guilty that I yelled at her on the way out the door.

I know that if I set manageable goals for the work that I want to accomplish and then follow through that I won't lay awake obsessing about all the things that are undone.

I know that if I don't lay awake obsessing and actually get some sleep that it's more likely I won't yell at my husband.

I know that if I treat my friends and family the way I would like them to treat me, we'll all be ok and know that we are loved.

I know that I will never stop cursing, or enjoy changing the kitty litter, or start meditating, but I'm going to give punctuality another shot.

I know that I recently discovered dry shampoo for a reason and that showering everyday is overrated and probably bad for your skin.

It's not a perfect plan and I'm certain that I will fall short occasionally but I believe that by focusing on the things that I know - achieving the things that I want will be the natural result.

And it's after breakfast so I know this is possible!

How did I get here from there and where the heck do I go now??

My story is a little different in that I was a single, working mom for 6 1/2 years. My last job posting had my daughter and I living in Bangkok, Thailand where I was working as a program manager for an aerospace company. Then I met and married the man who is now my husband, and we moved back to the US - Atlanta, GA specifically - to start a new life as a family.

It seemed to make the most sense for me to take at least a year off to get us all situated and adjusted to our new lives....I was finally getting the chance to be the stay at home (SAH) mom that I had always envied! This would be awesome!!!!!

Talk about an identity crisis - it took me a full year (and many emotional breakdowns) just to learn how to be that woman and to be ok with it - and I was still chafing to get back to work.

Then the summer came and we had so much fun! For the first time EVER, there were no day camps, babysitters, or nannies, I just rolled with it and instead of feeling overwhelmed and guilty all summer - we had a blast! My husband is a consultant and was able to take time for us to take mini-vacations and hang out, Belle and I went to the pool often, had play dates, made new friends and strengthened existing friendships, and most importantly tightened our bond as a family. Maybe I was cut out for the SAH mom thing after all.....

The first clue really should have been the PTA book fair - I was one of three co-chairs and when we started I was very mellow about it all - have fun and make money for the school, what could be better? Somewhere during it all, it became a PROJECT like the many that I had managed during my career and the driven, overachieving Kim came out of stasis. I will say to my credit that I was able to step back and know when I should let one of my (wonderful) co-chairs talk to a vendor or volunteer who wasn't doing what they promised since it's (apparently) not politic to take volunteers to task. The Book Fair was a huge hit and we did have a lot of fun but the stage was set....

As I mentioned, my husband is a consultant. He picked up a short term gig as a Program Manager for an airline and it was a huge project (and incidentally what I did in my previous professional life)...inside I was salivating and green with envy. I pumped him for details, offered (unsolicited and unnecessary) suggestions, and was generally a pain in the ass. As I was emphatically demanding more information one evening, so irrationally mad that I was in tears, it occurred to me that I was trying to live vicariously through him - a definite A-HA and AH-SHIT moment.

So the writing is on the wall - I have to get back to work! But I've also finally found the joy in being a SAH mom and I'm not willing to give that up entirely - how do I find the balance? That's I've been noodling on for the past 6 weeks or so since my epiphany and what I was thinking about on the morning that Diane and I were walking and talking.

Where do I go from here and how do I get there? There's no roadmap for what I want to accomplish. And what is it exactly that I want to accomplish?

Diane summed it up perfectly...I want to ROCK!

And I suspect that we aren't the only ones.

You mean I'm not the only one?? by Kim

Diane and I were walking one morning a few weeks ago (a future post about my newly discovered need for Spanx will elaborate on the walking thing), and talking about our ambivalence about going back to work. We’re both ready to regain the professional self that we used to be, adding to the wife and mommy selves that we have been for the past several years.

After reassuring each other multiple times that this desire isn’t a reflection of any sort discontent with our family life or the choices that we have made, we started talking about our efforts to rejoin the workplace as we had left it and discovered…that we have NO idea how to go about it, where to start or really even what we want to do when we go back. Plus random things like:

Do I remember how to interview as the confident, successful professional woman that I was when I left? Because I suspect that these days I will be more like the awkward, sweating, bright red (I'm a blusher) mess that I was when I first graduated from college and was looking for my very first job.

Are the professional contacts I used to have even still around, it's been a while.

Am I willing to work the way that I used to? Probably not

What will my kids think? More importantly, are they going to develop psychological complexes and juvie records that add to the burgeoning case of maternal guilt that I'm already facing for even considering this move?

Will my husband rally and truly help or will I have to kill him?

Where did I pack my business clothes away?

Are shoulder pads still in style? (Just kidding, of course they are.)

What did I do with the old PC that my last known resume was on? I'm pretty sure that I gave it to Goodwill....WTH do I do now?

Sorry for this Diane, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone...but it felt great to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling the pressure of wanting something that I couldn’t entirely define and the frustration of not knowing how to attain it.

Our conversation ended that day with a shared commiseration that it was a shame we weren’t bakers or we could open our own cupcake shop and be done with it!