Don't Blink by Kim

Here we are 3 weeks after my last post and I'm not entirely sure what's happened. Di's been absolutely swamped with the projects that she's been working on. Her previous post vividly describes the challenges that she's been facing, as well as the validation that comes from being someone outside of wife/mom. And me? Well, I've been co-chairing the Spring Book Fair: "Carnival - Your ticket to read!" dontcha know. Book Fair essentially sends me down the rabbit hole for a solid 2 weeks and makes me long for the days where it was socially acceptable to start drinking at lunch (breakfast) and continue through the dinner hour. But we managed to get together for lunch last Friday and it was a rapid fire exchange as we crammed 3 weeks of news, laughter and commiseration into an hour and a half - it was AWESOME!

In my last post, I was weighing a couple possible job/career possibilities and needing to pick a direction. After several conversations with Honey, we decided to add an Operations Program Manager (that's me!) to The Sublime Group. Basically, we're going to tag team at companies that are looking to streamline, troubleshoot, and improve the relationship between Procurement and Operations. On paper it will allow us to:

1. Provide a client with a more fully integrated solution to Production issues since both are crucial to process improvement and overall success. (Look at me using the "Business speak" already...it's like I never left)

2. Provide me with the opportunity to put on my Career Hat (thus ending the existential / identity crisis that I've been having since quitting work).

3. Provide a way to manage at home so that Shorty's life isn't greatly affected by the change (thus alleviating some of the guilt I feel about getting back to work. Some.).

As I sit here, gloriously optimistic, I see a way to have my cake and eat it too. Time will tell, but irregardless, it's a step closer towards the balance of life that I've been looking for.

Dropping the Ball(s)

I have to apologize. I've been gone, absent, MIA, and AWOL for the past 2 weeks. As good as I get at juggling, there are times that life just kicks the crap out of me while I'm looking the other way. Since the holiday break that closely followed by The Great Blizzard of 2011, it has felt like I'm slipping, hanging on by my fingertips sometimes and not quite able to catch my balance. 2 weeks ago I completely careened off track.

It doesn't feel like it's always been this way. When I was a single, working mom, I could do it all. I was able to keep a (relatively) cleanish house, the laundry caught up, dinners on the table (so what if Shorty and I ate out so often that when we did eat at home she was looking for the waitress), and my work/life obligations handled with aplomb.

Then Shorty and I moved to Thailand and it became pretty darn easy to be a single working mom. In fact, I can't honestly say that I was a single mom there. After all, get the violins and hankies ready, we had a maid, nanny and driver (K. Pim, Kwang, and K. Tanin) who were with us all the time and in fact made up a family of sorts for us. When Shorty learned to ride a bike, it was Khun Tanin who ran up and down the street with her. And when I got home in the evening, Khun Pim had dinner made and the laundry done, and we could all sit down and eat dinner together. The time that I could spend with Shorty was the "quality kind" because Kwang made sure that she was bathed (along with any other children that were at our house! (But that's another story!)) and that homework was done. I knew that she was loved and cared for and played with and so while there was always the pang of guilt that comes motherhood, I didn't worry as much as I had before. We were spoiled and it was awesome.

Then we met and married Honey and it turns out that I didn't know what awesome really was! We moved back to the US and are a real family, he was the piece that was missing. But.....it seems that I lost that ability to multitask - to get the laundry done, the groceries stocked, the dinner on the table in a timely fashion, all while excelling at my job (I know, I know the violins are playing). And even though all time spent with Shorty is the "quality kind", I spend more of it fussing about homework, trying to remember when her last shower was, and getting after her to do her chores. Some days I'm sick of myself so I can only imagine how she feels! And so things slide through the cracks.

Last week Shorty has a stomach ache and a fever. After trying to let it fix itself for a day or so, Honey took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with strep...and extreme constipation. The strep...ok, fine, it's been going around. But the doctor asked when the last time Shorty had pooped was and when neither of them knew, proceeded to give him the full lecture that really should have been given to me. Turns out she's been so constipated that her colon is stretched out and she's full of poo, she doesn't get enough fiber or water and I'm a terrible mother. OK, she didn't say that last part but it was implied. How did I miss this? Since I don't have to wipe her butt anymore, I have to say that my observations about her regularity (or irregularity as the case might be) are solely based on making sure that she has toilet paper in her bathroom. But shouldn't I have noticed or asked or...something? Is it because I've been so busy trying to get it all together and working and exercising and being all things to all people? Am I bad mother?

Right on the heels of that Honey and I got the flu. Bad. He's been completely knocked out of commission this week, suddenly the partner that I rely on to help me juggle was out of the game. So I dropped all pretense of trying to do it all and concentrated on the basics - Shorty, food, school. Screw work (which I realize it a luxury most don't have) and exercise. Surely I could handle those few things, even with the flu myself -  I once worked/parented for 3 weeks with dengue fever for God's sake!! But all I can say is thank God for friends because they pitched in and helped to take care of Shorty so that we could mend. I guess that I can't do it all any more and that's hard for me to admit.

But as I sit here typing this post, I see pretty clearly that I don't have to do it all by myself anymore. I have a wonderful husband (who usually doesn't have the flu) and fantastic friends and an amazing daughter. I'm disappointed in myself for dropping so many balls, but I have the support structure to be able to pick them up again. And I guess that's the important thing for any mom who's going back to work - find those supporters, be they husband, family, or friends and let them help!

So this post started as one thing and during the very long, drawn out way has become something else. Find your support, allow yourself to appreciate it, and utilize it. And talk to your kids about their poop every day.

What I learned in THE BIG EXPERIMENT! by Kim

It was an interesting week and while there was a part of me that viewed it as a lark, I learned quite a bit about how I do things and where my priorities lay.


First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.


I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.


Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.


Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.


Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.


Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging!  I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.


Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?


I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.

The BIG Experiment!! Diane's Final Day!!

6:30-7:30  Wake up.  Let Wonderful Hubby know that it's time to get up.  Start coffee, wake kids.  Go take shower and get ready for 7:30 meeting at the school.  Upset to be missing another day of working out.  Decide to wear stretchy comfy jersey wrap dress.  Decide that dresses are the best!  Wonderful Hubby has gotten kids all ready to go to school.

7:30-8:15  Stop car and take kids into school.  Get stopped by principal in lobby who has questions about "very important stuff". Late to meeting.

8:15-2:30  Head to office.  Worried that I will not add value and sit there mute in the corner.  Meeting with client #1 goes very well.  Actually had valuable input!  Am amazed by my AMAZING friend and her abilities.  Office is fun and I like it.  Invited to join in meeting with client #2.  Call Mr. Wonderful to see if he can pick up the kids and a playdate after school.

2:30-3:00  Head home.  Drive like crazy person because I am running late.  Find that everyone has arrived home from school safely.  Kids are playing but have not had a snack.  Hubby is on iPhone.  Everyone survived.

3:30-4:00  Make appointment with vet for dog.  Feed snack to kids.  Loving the pre-packaged snack foods today.  Put kids on Wii.  Sit down to computer.  Check emails, blog about my day, which I have all forgotten by now.

4:30-6:00  Finally take dog to the vet.  Explanation for that terrible smell earlier in the week.  Feel really guilty that it has taken me this long to get the dog to the vet.  Wonderful Hubby takes kids to friends' house for dinner.

6:00-10:00  Drop off dog at home.  Feed dog.  Alone in my messy home.  Consider staying home all by myself, sigh...Grab all of the things that Wonderful Hubby has forgotten and head over to friends' house for dinner.  Enjoy house full of wonderful friends and a terrific dinner.  Extremely exhausted.  Head home with kids to go directly to bed.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  So tired I think I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

All in all the day was great.  Wonder how things would shake out if Wonderful Hubby wasn't there to pick up the kids, but figure we'll have to take each day one at a time.

Trying to Live the Life I know...by Kim

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It's not only drug-addled 19th century authors - I tend to start many of my days with a completely unrealistic expectation of how the day will unfold. It's especially true around New Years as those nagging resolutions start creeping into my brain. The things that I SHOULD, and every year DO, resolve to do: lose weight, eat healthier, not yell at my husband, clean the kitty litter out without cursing, wake up early each morning for some meditation time, be punctual, stop procrastinating, quit cursing so much, be a perfect mother, wife and friend, be successful at my job and balance it perfectly with everything else, shower everyday....see I'm already way past 6.

So I've decided that I'm going to try to live 2011 based on the things that I know, not believe, but know.

I know that if I fit some exercise in at least a couple times a week I will feel better, more centered and productive, more confident, and be less likely to yell at my husband.

I know that if I get up when the alarm goes off, instead of hitting the snooze button like a pinata, that getting the day started and my daughter off to school will be far more pleasant for everyone AND I won't spend the day feeling guilty that I yelled at her on the way out the door.

I know that if I set manageable goals for the work that I want to accomplish and then follow through that I won't lay awake obsessing about all the things that are undone.

I know that if I don't lay awake obsessing and actually get some sleep that it's more likely I won't yell at my husband.

I know that if I treat my friends and family the way I would like them to treat me, we'll all be ok and know that we are loved.

I know that I will never stop cursing, or enjoy changing the kitty litter, or start meditating, but I'm going to give punctuality another shot.

I know that I recently discovered dry shampoo for a reason and that showering everyday is overrated and probably bad for your skin.

It's not a perfect plan and I'm certain that I will fall short occasionally but I believe that by focusing on the things that I know - achieving the things that I want will be the natural result.

And it's after breakfast so I know this is possible!

Why does it have to be all or nothing? By Kim

There was this article, “Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering” by Hilary Stout in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html?_r=2&emc=eta1&pagewanted=all) about a week ago, and when I read it I was thinking, “hell yeah, the volunteering demands are insane and can get totally out of control – those women got it figured out!” But as the week has gone on several points made in the article have been bugging me a little. And so, at the risk of becoming extremely unpopular, I’m going to let them go.

First let me say that I have it in me to be both types of moms that are described – I have been the frazzled, “let me try to be all things to all people” type as well as the “screw them all, I’m not doing it and they can’t make me” type. I think that we probably all have that potential.

Stout talks about the irony that moms do all of this volunteering ostensibly to be there for our kids and let them know how much we care about them, then however, the kids get stuck with babysitters or otherwise short-changed because mom is so busy working for the school that she doesn’t have time for them. I would also put forth that it’s not necessarily doing our kids any favors to be invading their world all the time. They are just starting to grow up and find their place in the world as they know it, to develop their voice, and discover where they belong. As parents, we are a huge part of that world and that’s as it should be, but school has always been the place that becomes “their” world – it’s where they learn how to socialize, to accommodate, to fight, to be part of a group, to study and learn independently – hell, just to become more independent in general. It’s normal – it’s part of growing up. If Mom is there ALL the time – in the classroom, on the field trips, in the library, in the cafeteria – how do they get to stretch a bit and to learn that independence that’s so critical for social growth and personal responsibility? Don’t get me wrong – it IS important to be there for events or the occasional lunch and they do love seeing you there at those times, but much more frequently than that and I have to wonder if we aren’t just making school an extension of home and that our hovering will take away the autonomy that they need to feel at this age.

Stout talks about mom guilt complexes and the almost competitive drive to “out-mom” each other. I've found that nobody can make me feel like a crappier mom than another mom – we’re our own worst enemies sometimes. You find yourself in a conversation with a group of other moms and it becomes a case of one-ups-momship: who is the busiest, who has the most meetings, who has the most to do….and on and on. I’m blessed with a wonderful group of friends – we are all moms and we all support each other unequivocally and fiercely….but those conversations still happen – I engage in them too. And as many benign conversations there are that happen amongst friends there are also those that happen with the “queen bee” moms that you walk away from feeling….less than. And so you sign up for more and more trying to reach the pinnacle of martyrdom that will allow you to converse with those “queen bees” and walk away feeling….more than. Guess what….it’s never going to happen. Ever. And that’s when you have to relearn the lesson that you learned when you were growing up, the one that you try to teach your own kids….it doesn’t matter what other people do or say – the only one that has to be happy with the things that you do is….you. Screw ‘em.

That being said, the decision that the moms in the article made to just quit everything and walk away seems to be just the different side of the same coin – the anti – martyrdom martyrdom, if you will. It seems a little extreme and doesn’t address any of the issues that arose from all the volunteering – it just takes them from the other side. It makes it seem like an addiction, one that you have to give up entirely or you will be consumed and hit rock bottom, living in a box and volunteering for everything from the PTA to the Shriners. I think that might be a little dramatic.

Can’t there be a balance? It seems that if you take the time for a little introspection that maybe there’s a middle ground to be reached. The first thing that seems critical to figure out is WHY? Truly and honestly – what need is being filled by all the volunteering? There is one and only we know what it is. Clarity and self-knowledge have to be there to help us to find the balance.

Secondly, what do you enjoy being a part of? I really liked co-chairing the book fair – it allowed me to be around the kids and gave me an event to plan and execute. I was proud with its’ success and had a blast doing it – I will do it again. I don’t like PTA meetings or the Fall Festival – so I don’t do those things. Figure out what you like and do it – let someone else do the other stuff. There will ALWAYS be someone else to do it – and if there’s not, so be it, the world will not come to an end. People may complain that they are SO busy now that you are shirking your volunteer duties, but….

That brings me to the final thing in this rant….WHO CARES??? The only person that has to be happy with your decisions is you! If you are happy and comfortable with your level of volunteering you may actually find that you enjoy the things that you are doing with your kids and more importantly, they will enjoy you doing it, your husband might not leave you, and you will be closer to the balanced life that we are all trying to lead.