Don't Blink by Kim

Here we are 3 weeks after my last post and I'm not entirely sure what's happened. Di's been absolutely swamped with the projects that she's been working on. Her previous post vividly describes the challenges that she's been facing, as well as the validation that comes from being someone outside of wife/mom. And me? Well, I've been co-chairing the Spring Book Fair: "Carnival - Your ticket to read!" dontcha know. Book Fair essentially sends me down the rabbit hole for a solid 2 weeks and makes me long for the days where it was socially acceptable to start drinking at lunch (breakfast) and continue through the dinner hour. But we managed to get together for lunch last Friday and it was a rapid fire exchange as we crammed 3 weeks of news, laughter and commiseration into an hour and a half - it was AWESOME!

In my last post, I was weighing a couple possible job/career possibilities and needing to pick a direction. After several conversations with Honey, we decided to add an Operations Program Manager (that's me!) to The Sublime Group. Basically, we're going to tag team at companies that are looking to streamline, troubleshoot, and improve the relationship between Procurement and Operations. On paper it will allow us to:

1. Provide a client with a more fully integrated solution to Production issues since both are crucial to process improvement and overall success. (Look at me using the "Business speak" already...it's like I never left)

2. Provide me with the opportunity to put on my Career Hat (thus ending the existential / identity crisis that I've been having since quitting work).

3. Provide a way to manage at home so that Shorty's life isn't greatly affected by the change (thus alleviating some of the guilt I feel about getting back to work. Some.).

As I sit here, gloriously optimistic, I see a way to have my cake and eat it too. Time will tell, but irregardless, it's a step closer towards the balance of life that I've been looking for.

Tips for Leaving the Nest

Congratulations Kim!!  I too have been out of the blogging loop for awhile, so much so as I forgot my login and password!  As you mentioned, because I took a temporary contract position.  I have learned so much from my experience to share with everyone thinking of going back to work, after being a stay-at-home mom for so long.  Here's my story:

A few months ago, I was sitting with a group of girlfriends talking about work.  I mentioned that I was looking toward going back to work, being in the land of people who talk about more than just their children, their children's school, the state of education, etc.  I have a fabulous friend who pretty much runs her company, while being mom to two terrific kids, and one ornery husband.  She said, "if you are serious about this, come and work for me for a little while to get your resume current and brush up on some skills".

TIP #1:  Most of you already know this, but it's not what you know, but who you know.  Reach out to those former employers, employees, friends and acquaintances!

So, I took fabulous friend up on the offer.  Part-time, while children were in school and still allowing for the workout in the morning.  Perfect!  I was sitting in on meetings, mostly feeling lost, and was going to be substitute for a project manager who was going to get married and be on her honeymoon at the end of a project.  It was a win-win for both the boss and me - he gets cheap, really skilled labor (though a bit rusty) and I get out of the house, into the land of the working, and some current experience on my resume!

TIP #2:  Going back into the workforce may result in a temporary cut in pay.  If you can, be sure you are really going to love the job you'll be doing and that it will support your priorities (which are usually more important than the money!)

After a couple of weeks, fabulous friend came to me and asked me if I could work on another project, with a tight deadline of 5 weeks for a client.  I was offered an increase in pay for the added headache and increased responsibility.  Sure, for a few weeks, that's okay - an occasional late evening here and there, working from home.  No problem.

TIP #3: As soon as they see how truly awesome you are, they'll be pleased with their decision and start giving you more responsibility and respect!

I set the expectation with wonderful hubby and kids.  Wonderful hubby agrees to step things up a notch on the household responsibilities and starts grocery shopping, doing laundry, picking up the kids and taking care of them when he's home.  I start having to ask my friends to take my kids on evenings when he's not home, and realize that I am racking up the "IOU"s.  A little guilt settles in, and I start taking on a few playdates of my own to repay the IOUs.  Now, I am swamped.  Responsibilities at work are increasing, I feel guilty about the time I miss from work, and the begging for people to take care of my kids when hubby's traveling.

TIP #4:  Set your limits, but know they are always going to ask for more

The next week, they have increased my rate and asked me to work full time until the completion of the project, which is a very important project and potential for a whole bunch more projects in the future.  How can I refuse?!  I discuss the matter with wonderful hubby.  Not sure if we still both see eye to eye on this, but it's only temporary.  I enroll the kids in after school care, reminding myself that it is only temporary.  Now the guilt really sets in... I get up, get kids ready, get myself ready, drop them at school, head to work... check in to see what I missed from the day before, work all day until dinner time, still leave before anyone else, sit in traffic until I can pick my kids (starving and tired) up from after school care.  Fix them ridiculously unhealthy meal, check their homework, put them to bed and drop myself in bed and fall immediately to sleep.  I have had no workout, no me time, I haven't called my best friend (who had a baby a week ago) to chat, haven't had couple time, and haven't even spoken at my kids except to bark at them to do their next chore or to stop whining.  Feel guilty all around... just to start it up all over again.

TIP #5:  There's no avoiding the guilt, just embrace it.

So, what have I learned through this "project"?  I have learned a bunch!  I have learned that I don't want to be the big career woman that I was before kids.  The one who could work until 8 pm and not feel guilty (or tired).  I want a career that is manageable alongside my family life.  Honestly, I think that a lot of companies say that they are considerate of families, or that families matter to them, but when it comes down to it, there are very few who practice what they preach.  (I do happen to think that my current employer is this sort of company, but they have just had a temporary influx of work - pretty good in this economy)  There are also positions in which it is going to be required that you are in an office.  These tend to be less flexible than those which do not require you to be in the office.

So, if you know of any part-time, flexible positions out there, please share with the rest of us!  It'd help to narrow down the focus of our job search!
TIP #6:

Big Sexy

A few months ago Honey and I were in Asheville for a little R & R. Driving along the highway, we came up behind a white Lexus SUV and covering the back window was "Big Sexy" written in flowery, white script. We sped up and moved alongside the SUV and there on the side window was "Big Sexy" written again. Curiosity was killing us as we pulled up closer to the driver's side window and we started craning our necks so that we could see this person who had deemed herself "Big Sexy". Being extremely subtle about it, we finally pulled alongside and indeed, she was Big and she was Sexy. We laughed and went on our way, making the occasional Big Sexy reference throughout the rest of the trip, simply a little personal joke for us to share.

I think about Big Sexy every once in a while and I'm envious of the sheer balls that it takes to proclaim yourself "Big Sexy" for the all world to see. Because not a day goes by that I don't beat up on myself for my weight OR what I've eaten OR the amount of exercise that I (did or didn't) get OR the way my clothes fit... I've been in a constant losing battle with myself for as long as I can remember. And it sucks.

I mean really, there are so many things in my life as a working mother/wife that I can legitimately feel guilty about, for example:

• Not knowing the last time Shorty took a shower.
• Not having anything in the house to eat because I haven't gone to the grocery store in 2 weeks.
• Not realizing that what Honey really needed was for me to be his cheerleader, not his drill sergeant.
• Realizing on Monday morning that none of us has clean underwear.

Those are things to feel kind of guilty about...but I can pretty easily forgive myself for stuff like this. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving about most things, whether it's me or someone else, I mean we're all just doing the best we can, right? But when it comes to my body and weight I'm brutal to myself, in a way that I would never, ever be to anyone else (even my ex-MIL or Gwynyth Paltrow).

And I'm not the only one, I can't think of a single woman I know who is completely happy with her body. And I have to say...my friends are total babes!

I know that these aren't original thoughts or issues. Books and articles galore have been written on the topic, Oprah and Dr. Phil have done countless shows, and there are more diets out there than people in China. But none offer a real solution or a magic fix and I've just sort of accepted it as part of my psyche.

Until this week, when Shorty told me that within her group of friends, girls have been calling themselves and each other fat. They're 8. And I have to wonder, did our own self-hatred and discontent get transferred to them, because even if I never say a single word about it in front of her, guilt this pervasive has to be obvious on a subliminal level.

So I'm going to start being nicer to myself because this isn't what I want for my daughter. As she grows up, no matter what her size, I want her to always know, without any doubt, that she's Big Sexy.

But it will be ok if she doesn't write it on her car.

What I learned in THE BIG EXPERIMENT! by Kim

It was an interesting week and while there was a part of me that viewed it as a lark, I learned quite a bit about how I do things and where my priorities lay.


First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.


I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.


Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.


Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.


Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.


Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging!  I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.


Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?


I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.

The BIG Experiment Day 4 by Kim

6:15 - 6:35 Honey gets up to pee which fortunately wakes me up because I set my alarm for an hour later than I meant too. Rush to get dressed and out the door - put on yesterdays' workout clothes because all the others are downstairs in the basket of laundry I've been contemplating all week. Feel a little gross but whatever.

6:45-7:40 Walk with friend. It's a bit of a rough start since it's effing cold out but by about 10 minutes in I'm glad that we persevered. Legs are sore from the hilly (lost) portion of yesterday's walk!

7:45-8:00 Run into the school to drop off Cokes for the Open House for walking buddy so that she's not late for work. Run into people I know and am acutely aware of being a little ripe, try to keep downwind...

8:00-8:30 Clean up the kitchen a (very) little bit. Going to have to spend some time on the house this weekend. Discover that Honey cleaned the kitty litter - God I love this man!

8:30-12:00 Work on blog and other projects. Try to get signed up for Daddy/Daughter Dance but having problems with their website...#@&*! - I often miss the boat on these type of things so it really pisses me off when I get my act together and am thwarted!

12:15-1:00 Eat lunch with Honey then take a quick shower.

1:00-4:30 Work on Slide presentation for seminar - it seems never ending! Break it up with some Words with Friends. Incidentally, Jeff is a ringer and is soundly kicking my ass even as he claims "I haven't played in at least a year". Whatever Jeff - What. Ever.

4:30-8:15 Honey goes with me to pick the girls up from their AfterSchool. We drop La off and go in for a quick chat. That turns to a couple glasses of wine which then turns into dinner out with both families. I don't have to cook which makes 3 nights this week, Suzy Homemaker I'm not! I don't get the stuff done at home that I'd planned to do, like folding the laundry (haha who'm I kidding) and putting away the box of Christmas stuff still sitting in my office. It's worth the trade off though.

8:45 Realize that we didn't give Shorty her spelling test but decide that we can do it in the morning if we get up 10 minutes early. Not going to garner me Mother of the Year but still seems like a good plan since I'm walking into walls!

9:00 Early mornings and exercise have officially kicked my ass - I'm going to bed.

The BIG Experiment Day 3 by Kim

6:30-7:20 Crawl out of bed and Shorty is already up - she's definitely a morning person unlike her old mom. Try to see if it's raining as Di and I text back and forth to see if we can walk. Decide to suck it up and do it - this is why having a workout buddy is so effective, no one wants to be the first to puss out. Drop Shorty at school after a breakfast of Rice Krispies over which we discuss why the milk should be put on before the sugar.

7:30 - 8:40 Walk with Di. It ends up being longer than we planned since we managed to get ourselves lost in the neighborhood. Wonder if maybe we should change our tagline. :)

8:45-10:57 Take out the recycling and chat with Honey about what our days look like. Sit down to finish and post The BIG Experiment Day 2. Answer emails about a project I'm currently managing and remember that I need to invoice them so I can get paid! Contemplate folding the laundry. Send Di a good luck text about her interview today!!!

10:58-12:30 Friends pick me up to grab a quick lunch. No one has showered yet so we take a table in the corner.

12:30-1:45 Work on a seminar presentation that's coming up in February - is closer than I realized.

1:45-2:15 Shower and contemplate folding the laundry.

2:15-4:15 Grocery store, enroll Shorty in the tumbling class, Trader Joes, and B12 shot, finish all errands with about 20 minutes until time to pick up kids, so crank up the music and just drive around singing and being blissfully alone. Wave sheepishly at the cars next to me who notice me singing.

4:30-5:30 Pick Shorty and La up at their after school program. Drop La off at home and go in for a quick glass of wine and some conversation.

5:45-6:00 Bring in groceries, kiss Honey, change shoes.

6:00-11:30 Go to a movie and dinner with girlfriends. Honey and Shorty seem happy to have me out and are able to hold down the fort without me. Reflect on how lucky I am.

11:45-12:15 Answer some design questions that have come up with a project in the Central time zone with a brief phone call.

12:30 BED!!!

Again, not so great with the actual schedule...BUT still hit my goal of the tasks that I wanted to accomplish , the number of hours I wanted to dedicate, and getting in the workout. Laundry is still being contemplated, maybe tomorrow, which will also include additional home stuff - like cooking dinner and some clean up since Honey carried the bulk of it today (but I'm pretty sure that he'll still clean up the kitchen for me!).

As much as I like to think I'm pretty disciplined, this experiment is teaching me the wisdom of clearly defining tasks and carving out the time to complete them. As well as making me notice how much time the little stuff can suck up if you don't group it together and actively limit the time you spend on it.

The BIG Experiment!! Day One by Diane

6:30-7:30 Getting kids ready for school:  Went generally well for a Monday.  Reconsidering the chores assigned to children.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down, Opened car door= pushed them out

7:45-9:00 By some small miracle traffic was slight for a Monday. Had great work out, feel good!

9:00-9:45 I am clean and pretty.  Wonder what will happen when I have to wear something besides jeans and slippers, however.

9:45-11:30 Sit down in home office.  Odd smell in seldom used room.  Resist urge to investigate.  Resist urge to answer emails.  Post blog.  Read blogs.  Resist urge to look at emails.  Work on resume.  Hubby comes by to see what I am up to.  Response: "Working"

11:30  Finally succumb to incessant chiming of emails.  ACK!  Email from hubby (who works in the other room, no less) to check out some $10 socks he wants to buy.  Resist urge to scream.

11:35  Back to work on resume.  Research resume writing tips.

12:00  Hubby comes by to see what I am doing.  Response: "Working"

12:10  Hubby comes by to ask if he can make me a sandwich.  How nice- good husband.

12:15-1:15  Continue to work on resume and research.  Still wondering about that smell...

1:15-2:15  Proud of myself, actually did answer all of my PTA emails and worked on volunteer activities!

2:15-4:30  Was worried about this part of the day.  Fortunately, hubby helped son with homework and I continued to clean around the house, including finding and cleaning source of strange smell.  Got one load of laundry folded while children put their clothes away, and managed to return a phone call and some emails, most of which were volunteer related (so much for sticking to one hour).

4:30-4:40  Forgot to pay a bill due tomorrow.  Thank goodness for online banking.

5:00-6:15  Wonderful hubby prepares meatloaf while I fold laundry and order children to put it away.  Remind children of their chore responsibilities while making potatoes, salad and green beans to go with aforementioned meatloaf.  Play words with friends while cooking.  Pour glass of wine.

6:15-7:30  Clean up while wonderful hubby bathes kids.  Unfortunately the dishwasher is still running, so rinse dishes and pile in sink.  Wonder if I will get to them tonight, or wait until the morning.  Program coffee maker (bonus!) for early start.  Another load of laundry done. Pour second glass of wine

7:30-8:00  Read kids a book, worry that 5 year old will never read because his mommy never reads to him.  Check email and I have an interview on Wednesday!  Wow... then the panic sets in...ah, hell, lets have another glass of wine!   Make to-do list for tomorrow (finish resume!)

8:00- 10:00 Wow, today wasn't so bad.  I'm thinking that this might be do-able.  I still have laundry piled in the hallway, my bed isn't made, and the dishes are still in the sink, but feel I have accomplished more than I expected.  Then again... tomorrow is another day!

The BIG Experiment!! Day 1 by Kim

6:30-7:30 Hit snooze until 6:40 but fortunately Shorty is a better morning person than her mom - so smooth sailing for a Monday morning.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down and she remembered to tuck and roll!

7:45-9:00 Didn't make the workout as I was obsessing about the huge amount of crap that I had to do. Hubby gets all chatty while I'm typing but after a few grunted responses asks if I want to be left alone.

9:00-9:45 Still wearing the pj, yoga pant, hoodie combo that I pulled on when I got out of bed. Soooo pretty. But have whittled down my to-do list enough that I'm able to see the rest of my week being ok which feels like a decent trade off.

9:45-11:30 Have gotten SO much done! Only played words with friends twice and danced with the cat once...not too shabby!

11:30 Made some lunch and walked past all the dishes still in the sink where they were left by unnamed family members. Maybe they will put themselves into the dishwasher...

11:35 Chuckle at Diane's husbands' quest for $10 socks and marvel at her restraint. Thank Hubby for picking up prescription and feel slightly bad that I didn't wait to have lunch with him.

11:45 Back to work. Edited seminar materials, posted the resume blog entry, paid bills, and did some more research.

1:15 Decide that today I'm going to "volunteer" to shower and the "passion" that I'm going to focus on is making myself generally presentable. Feeling like a scrub, albeit an extremely productive scrub.

So my following of the schedule this morning wasn't too great, seeing as I didn't get the workout or the shower in - but tomorrow is another day! And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this afternoon...

2:20 Got Shorty picked up and ran to Walgreens. Now she's putting her clothes away while I peck away on this and then it'll be time for homework. Fractions today - it's a little disconcerting when you're apprehensive about 2nd grade homework but she still believes I know everything. Do you remember fractions...I don't!

2:30 - 4:30 Shorty does homework and I putter around in the house, nothing especially constructive. Hubby loads the dishwasher and starts it. :)

5:30 Realize that I bought flounder instead of ANY other type of fish plus it's been a couple of days so it's a bit sketchy. Hubby cooks flounder and squash while I make a chimichurri sauce to disguise flounder. Comes out of oven - blech, not eating it!

6:30 Make spaghetti. Laugh about disgusting flounder as a family.

8:00 Shorty to bed and Hubby and I watch House.

9:30 BED!!!

10:30 To sleep.

The thing that made the most impact on me today is that if I block out the time to work and have the discipline to stick to that schedule, I get so much more accomplished and feel better about myself (and things in general) at the end of the day. I was disappointed that I didn't get a work out in but have to really work at making that a non-negotiable priority, hence I'm walking with a friend at 6:30AM tomorrow. I also will remember that I don't like sketchy flounder.

The BIG Experiment!!

We've all been reading about Gwynnie's taxing daily schedule as a working mom, so we have busy schedules on the brain. In preparing the family, and yourself, for returning to work, Kim and I thought that it might be fun(ny) to have a sort-of trial run on how things might operate with mommy going back to work. Going off of the premise that if you're currently looking for work OR if you're starting a home business (as we are), there's a certain amount of time that you'll have to dedicate to the effort, we came up with the following schedule. (When we start working full time, there will be a WHOLE new schedule complete with a Survival Guide for our husbands.) For this whole week though, we are going to follow the schedule below to a T and report on how our kids, husbands, and selves fare as well as any casualties (I'm telling you right now that I don't see laundry pulling through!):

6:30-7:20 am Get up and get the kids ready for school/get mommy ready for the gym

7:30-7:45 am Slow down the car and push the kids out the door at school

8:00-9:00 am Go to the gym/workout - this is essential to plan into your day for your own well-being (so that you aren't sobbing as you try to squeeze into that business suit from pre-baby days)! Do it!!

9:00-9:45 am Home from the gym to shower (conditioning hair while stretching muscles a la Mrs. Rock-star's wife and movie star mom)

9:45-1:15 pm WORK: work on blog, work on networking, work on resume! 3 1/2 hours - DO NOT MULTI-TASK! - no house cleaning, laundry, errand running - only working!)

1:15-2:15 pm Volunteer activities and being involved at school (or whatever you are passionate about)

2:15-5:15 pm Kids are home from school: help with homework, fix healthy snacks (or throw goldfish at them), have playdates, extra-curricular activities, etc. Try to engage the kids... try not to play words with friends... resist urge to allow children to watch hours of TV.

5:30-6:00 pm Fix dinner (see our "For Meals on the Fly" on the sidebar or just have the local fishmonger deliver as GOOP suggests)

6:00-6:30 pm Eat dinner together as a family (pour first glass of wine)

6:30-7:30 pm Clean up and get the kids ready for bed (pour second glass of wine while children are bathing)

7:30-8:00 pm Check emails (make sure there aren't any important messages) and make To-Do list for following day

8:00-10:00 pm Grown-up time. Whether it's Couple-time, Friend-time, or Me-time - make sure to schedule at least one night of each this week!

10:00 pm Bedtime

Notice that we haven't built in specific time slots for house clean-up, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, dishwasher emptying...yep, we're curious to see how that's going to shake out too - husbands, maybe?

Anyone else out there ready to take the challenge with us??!!