Don't Blink by Kim

Here we are 3 weeks after my last post and I'm not entirely sure what's happened. Di's been absolutely swamped with the projects that she's been working on. Her previous post vividly describes the challenges that she's been facing, as well as the validation that comes from being someone outside of wife/mom. And me? Well, I've been co-chairing the Spring Book Fair: "Carnival - Your ticket to read!" dontcha know. Book Fair essentially sends me down the rabbit hole for a solid 2 weeks and makes me long for the days where it was socially acceptable to start drinking at lunch (breakfast) and continue through the dinner hour. But we managed to get together for lunch last Friday and it was a rapid fire exchange as we crammed 3 weeks of news, laughter and commiseration into an hour and a half - it was AWESOME!

In my last post, I was weighing a couple possible job/career possibilities and needing to pick a direction. After several conversations with Honey, we decided to add an Operations Program Manager (that's me!) to The Sublime Group. Basically, we're going to tag team at companies that are looking to streamline, troubleshoot, and improve the relationship between Procurement and Operations. On paper it will allow us to:

1. Provide a client with a more fully integrated solution to Production issues since both are crucial to process improvement and overall success. (Look at me using the "Business speak" already...it's like I never left)

2. Provide me with the opportunity to put on my Career Hat (thus ending the existential / identity crisis that I've been having since quitting work).

3. Provide a way to manage at home so that Shorty's life isn't greatly affected by the change (thus alleviating some of the guilt I feel about getting back to work. Some.).

As I sit here, gloriously optimistic, I see a way to have my cake and eat it too. Time will tell, but irregardless, it's a step closer towards the balance of life that I've been looking for.

The BIG Experiment!! Day One by Diane

6:30-7:30 Getting kids ready for school:  Went generally well for a Monday.  Reconsidering the chores assigned to children.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down, Opened car door= pushed them out

7:45-9:00 By some small miracle traffic was slight for a Monday. Had great work out, feel good!

9:00-9:45 I am clean and pretty.  Wonder what will happen when I have to wear something besides jeans and slippers, however.

9:45-11:30 Sit down in home office.  Odd smell in seldom used room.  Resist urge to investigate.  Resist urge to answer emails.  Post blog.  Read blogs.  Resist urge to look at emails.  Work on resume.  Hubby comes by to see what I am up to.  Response: "Working"

11:30  Finally succumb to incessant chiming of emails.  ACK!  Email from hubby (who works in the other room, no less) to check out some $10 socks he wants to buy.  Resist urge to scream.

11:35  Back to work on resume.  Research resume writing tips.

12:00  Hubby comes by to see what I am doing.  Response: "Working"

12:10  Hubby comes by to ask if he can make me a sandwich.  How nice- good husband.

12:15-1:15  Continue to work on resume and research.  Still wondering about that smell...

1:15-2:15  Proud of myself, actually did answer all of my PTA emails and worked on volunteer activities!

2:15-4:30  Was worried about this part of the day.  Fortunately, hubby helped son with homework and I continued to clean around the house, including finding and cleaning source of strange smell.  Got one load of laundry folded while children put their clothes away, and managed to return a phone call and some emails, most of which were volunteer related (so much for sticking to one hour).

4:30-4:40  Forgot to pay a bill due tomorrow.  Thank goodness for online banking.

5:00-6:15  Wonderful hubby prepares meatloaf while I fold laundry and order children to put it away.  Remind children of their chore responsibilities while making potatoes, salad and green beans to go with aforementioned meatloaf.  Play words with friends while cooking.  Pour glass of wine.

6:15-7:30  Clean up while wonderful hubby bathes kids.  Unfortunately the dishwasher is still running, so rinse dishes and pile in sink.  Wonder if I will get to them tonight, or wait until the morning.  Program coffee maker (bonus!) for early start.  Another load of laundry done. Pour second glass of wine

7:30-8:00  Read kids a book, worry that 5 year old will never read because his mommy never reads to him.  Check email and I have an interview on Wednesday!  Wow... then the panic sets in...ah, hell, lets have another glass of wine!   Make to-do list for tomorrow (finish resume!)

8:00- 10:00 Wow, today wasn't so bad.  I'm thinking that this might be do-able.  I still have laundry piled in the hallway, my bed isn't made, and the dishes are still in the sink, but feel I have accomplished more than I expected.  Then again... tomorrow is another day!

Thoughts for the interview...

Pat yourself on the back for going on an interview, Kim! Maybe it was an exercise in humility, but it certainly was good practice! Your wonderful husband and daughter are right, you have accomplished so much. Often, I feel that we SAHs don't give ourself enough credit for what we have accomplished... I got my kids out the door this morning without screaming at them, for one. Hey, it's no small feat in my world!

So, what else have we accomplished?

Let's take a look at all that volunteering:

Kim worked the book fair, for example. Here's the spin:

1. You successfully managed a team of 20 individuals.

2. You had a budget responsibility for 20% of the "company"'s gross profit.

3. You managed to increase your own department's budget by 10% from last year - even in these challenging economic times!

4. You assisted your company in reaching 106% of its annual revenue by the second quarter, even better!

5. What about how your team built a strategic marketing campaign to reach its target audience? Your team, under your leadership, no less, utilized new marketing and advertising techniques (ie: social media, print and e-newsletter ads, etc.)

6. What else? Did you come in under-budget? I'm sure you did!

If we begin to look at our non-income generating activities as if they were an actual job, which they are, then we come to realize just how much we have done, how much we have learned, and even if the PTA book fair isn't a Fortune 500 company, that activity has added to our "work" experience, and it needn't be forgotten!

Why does it have to be all or nothing? By Kim

There was this article, “Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering” by Hilary Stout in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html?_r=2&emc=eta1&pagewanted=all) about a week ago, and when I read it I was thinking, “hell yeah, the volunteering demands are insane and can get totally out of control – those women got it figured out!” But as the week has gone on several points made in the article have been bugging me a little. And so, at the risk of becoming extremely unpopular, I’m going to let them go.

First let me say that I have it in me to be both types of moms that are described – I have been the frazzled, “let me try to be all things to all people” type as well as the “screw them all, I’m not doing it and they can’t make me” type. I think that we probably all have that potential.

Stout talks about the irony that moms do all of this volunteering ostensibly to be there for our kids and let them know how much we care about them, then however, the kids get stuck with babysitters or otherwise short-changed because mom is so busy working for the school that she doesn’t have time for them. I would also put forth that it’s not necessarily doing our kids any favors to be invading their world all the time. They are just starting to grow up and find their place in the world as they know it, to develop their voice, and discover where they belong. As parents, we are a huge part of that world and that’s as it should be, but school has always been the place that becomes “their” world – it’s where they learn how to socialize, to accommodate, to fight, to be part of a group, to study and learn independently – hell, just to become more independent in general. It’s normal – it’s part of growing up. If Mom is there ALL the time – in the classroom, on the field trips, in the library, in the cafeteria – how do they get to stretch a bit and to learn that independence that’s so critical for social growth and personal responsibility? Don’t get me wrong – it IS important to be there for events or the occasional lunch and they do love seeing you there at those times, but much more frequently than that and I have to wonder if we aren’t just making school an extension of home and that our hovering will take away the autonomy that they need to feel at this age.

Stout talks about mom guilt complexes and the almost competitive drive to “out-mom” each other. I've found that nobody can make me feel like a crappier mom than another mom – we’re our own worst enemies sometimes. You find yourself in a conversation with a group of other moms and it becomes a case of one-ups-momship: who is the busiest, who has the most meetings, who has the most to do….and on and on. I’m blessed with a wonderful group of friends – we are all moms and we all support each other unequivocally and fiercely….but those conversations still happen – I engage in them too. And as many benign conversations there are that happen amongst friends there are also those that happen with the “queen bee” moms that you walk away from feeling….less than. And so you sign up for more and more trying to reach the pinnacle of martyrdom that will allow you to converse with those “queen bees” and walk away feeling….more than. Guess what….it’s never going to happen. Ever. And that’s when you have to relearn the lesson that you learned when you were growing up, the one that you try to teach your own kids….it doesn’t matter what other people do or say – the only one that has to be happy with the things that you do is….you. Screw ‘em.

That being said, the decision that the moms in the article made to just quit everything and walk away seems to be just the different side of the same coin – the anti – martyrdom martyrdom, if you will. It seems a little extreme and doesn’t address any of the issues that arose from all the volunteering – it just takes them from the other side. It makes it seem like an addiction, one that you have to give up entirely or you will be consumed and hit rock bottom, living in a box and volunteering for everything from the PTA to the Shriners. I think that might be a little dramatic.

Can’t there be a balance? It seems that if you take the time for a little introspection that maybe there’s a middle ground to be reached. The first thing that seems critical to figure out is WHY? Truly and honestly – what need is being filled by all the volunteering? There is one and only we know what it is. Clarity and self-knowledge have to be there to help us to find the balance.

Secondly, what do you enjoy being a part of? I really liked co-chairing the book fair – it allowed me to be around the kids and gave me an event to plan and execute. I was proud with its’ success and had a blast doing it – I will do it again. I don’t like PTA meetings or the Fall Festival – so I don’t do those things. Figure out what you like and do it – let someone else do the other stuff. There will ALWAYS be someone else to do it – and if there’s not, so be it, the world will not come to an end. People may complain that they are SO busy now that you are shirking your volunteer duties, but….

That brings me to the final thing in this rant….WHO CARES??? The only person that has to be happy with your decisions is you! If you are happy and comfortable with your level of volunteering you may actually find that you enjoy the things that you are doing with your kids and more importantly, they will enjoy you doing it, your husband might not leave you, and you will be closer to the balanced life that we are all trying to lead.