Don't Blink by Kim

Here we are 3 weeks after my last post and I'm not entirely sure what's happened. Di's been absolutely swamped with the projects that she's been working on. Her previous post vividly describes the challenges that she's been facing, as well as the validation that comes from being someone outside of wife/mom. And me? Well, I've been co-chairing the Spring Book Fair: "Carnival - Your ticket to read!" dontcha know. Book Fair essentially sends me down the rabbit hole for a solid 2 weeks and makes me long for the days where it was socially acceptable to start drinking at lunch (breakfast) and continue through the dinner hour. But we managed to get together for lunch last Friday and it was a rapid fire exchange as we crammed 3 weeks of news, laughter and commiseration into an hour and a half - it was AWESOME!

In my last post, I was weighing a couple possible job/career possibilities and needing to pick a direction. After several conversations with Honey, we decided to add an Operations Program Manager (that's me!) to The Sublime Group. Basically, we're going to tag team at companies that are looking to streamline, troubleshoot, and improve the relationship between Procurement and Operations. On paper it will allow us to:

1. Provide a client with a more fully integrated solution to Production issues since both are crucial to process improvement and overall success. (Look at me using the "Business speak" already...it's like I never left)

2. Provide me with the opportunity to put on my Career Hat (thus ending the existential / identity crisis that I've been having since quitting work).

3. Provide a way to manage at home so that Shorty's life isn't greatly affected by the change (thus alleviating some of the guilt I feel about getting back to work. Some.).

As I sit here, gloriously optimistic, I see a way to have my cake and eat it too. Time will tell, but irregardless, it's a step closer towards the balance of life that I've been looking for.

Managing HOME when you go back to work, or, what we can learn from Kramer v. Kramer

The other evening I had the rare privilege of sitting and watching an entire movie on TV without falling asleep half-way through.  The movie was Kramer v. Kramer which, everyone should know, stars a young Dustin Hoffman and absolutely beautiful Merryl Streep.  In a nutshell, it's about a couple with a young child going through a divorce in 70's.  I was blown away at not only the performances by the actors, but by how this movie reflects what any family goes through when there is a major change in the home.

The story goes something like this: A self-absorbed "bring home the bacon" man comes home from the office to find that his stay-at-home wife is leaving him and their child.  She is unfulfilled by being a stay-at-home mom, and needs to be more than a wife and a mother.  Fortunately, we don't have to divorce our husbands and leave our children in order to have a job and feel complete.

For most of the remainder of the movie, we see the father bumble through all of the childcare, household chores, and responsibilities that, until then, had been handled by the mother.  Many of us would probably like to see how our wonderful husbands would manage being the sole care-giver.  I have an enormous amount of respect for single moms and dads.  Here are some other revelations that I had:

We ALL expect our kids to be resilient to change, when in fact, they shouldn't be expected to just "buck up".  Deal with the attitudes and the temper tantrums with a little bit of patience, understanding, and love.  Everyone needs a little time to adjust to a major change, like mommy going back to work.

Dads, expect your children to test you!  This is part of the process of change that the kids will have to go through.  Even if they should know better, that was in the "old" world, and with a major change, you are now entering the "new" world.  Don't get mad, just stand your ground.

They even had those dreaded goody bags after birthday parties in the 70s!

Can you believe they bought milk in quarts back then?!  Today we buy everything in gallons or in bulk.  A quart wouldn't last a day in my house and I'd have to add another item on my TO DO list.  No thanks!  But, this is interesting on many levels... I will spare you the soapbox (today).

Poor dad had to go to a PTA meeting at the school at 4:00 (taking time from work) because it was his responsibility!  I know that this is one of the first things to be crossed off of the list when both parents work, but, (and here I will get on my soapbox) make sure that, when you go back to work, that one or both parents are still actively engaged in your child's school and education.  This should be as much of a priority as homework, or feeding your family nutritious meals.  I'm not saying to go out and overcommit and volunteer for everything.  Know your limits, of course.  But, studies show that parents who are involved in the education of their children (beyond homework) have children who take their education seriously.  Pass it on!

Big Sexy

A few months ago Honey and I were in Asheville for a little R & R. Driving along the highway, we came up behind a white Lexus SUV and covering the back window was "Big Sexy" written in flowery, white script. We sped up and moved alongside the SUV and there on the side window was "Big Sexy" written again. Curiosity was killing us as we pulled up closer to the driver's side window and we started craning our necks so that we could see this person who had deemed herself "Big Sexy". Being extremely subtle about it, we finally pulled alongside and indeed, she was Big and she was Sexy. We laughed and went on our way, making the occasional Big Sexy reference throughout the rest of the trip, simply a little personal joke for us to share.

I think about Big Sexy every once in a while and I'm envious of the sheer balls that it takes to proclaim yourself "Big Sexy" for the all world to see. Because not a day goes by that I don't beat up on myself for my weight OR what I've eaten OR the amount of exercise that I (did or didn't) get OR the way my clothes fit... I've been in a constant losing battle with myself for as long as I can remember. And it sucks.

I mean really, there are so many things in my life as a working mother/wife that I can legitimately feel guilty about, for example:

• Not knowing the last time Shorty took a shower.
• Not having anything in the house to eat because I haven't gone to the grocery store in 2 weeks.
• Not realizing that what Honey really needed was for me to be his cheerleader, not his drill sergeant.
• Realizing on Monday morning that none of us has clean underwear.

Those are things to feel kind of guilty about...but I can pretty easily forgive myself for stuff like this. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving about most things, whether it's me or someone else, I mean we're all just doing the best we can, right? But when it comes to my body and weight I'm brutal to myself, in a way that I would never, ever be to anyone else (even my ex-MIL or Gwynyth Paltrow).

And I'm not the only one, I can't think of a single woman I know who is completely happy with her body. And I have to say...my friends are total babes!

I know that these aren't original thoughts or issues. Books and articles galore have been written on the topic, Oprah and Dr. Phil have done countless shows, and there are more diets out there than people in China. But none offer a real solution or a magic fix and I've just sort of accepted it as part of my psyche.

Until this week, when Shorty told me that within her group of friends, girls have been calling themselves and each other fat. They're 8. And I have to wonder, did our own self-hatred and discontent get transferred to them, because even if I never say a single word about it in front of her, guilt this pervasive has to be obvious on a subliminal level.

So I'm going to start being nicer to myself because this isn't what I want for my daughter. As she grows up, no matter what her size, I want her to always know, without any doubt, that she's Big Sexy.

But it will be ok if she doesn't write it on her car.

The BIG Experiment Day 4 by Kim

6:15 - 6:35 Honey gets up to pee which fortunately wakes me up because I set my alarm for an hour later than I meant too. Rush to get dressed and out the door - put on yesterdays' workout clothes because all the others are downstairs in the basket of laundry I've been contemplating all week. Feel a little gross but whatever.

6:45-7:40 Walk with friend. It's a bit of a rough start since it's effing cold out but by about 10 minutes in I'm glad that we persevered. Legs are sore from the hilly (lost) portion of yesterday's walk!

7:45-8:00 Run into the school to drop off Cokes for the Open House for walking buddy so that she's not late for work. Run into people I know and am acutely aware of being a little ripe, try to keep downwind...

8:00-8:30 Clean up the kitchen a (very) little bit. Going to have to spend some time on the house this weekend. Discover that Honey cleaned the kitty litter - God I love this man!

8:30-12:00 Work on blog and other projects. Try to get signed up for Daddy/Daughter Dance but having problems with their website...#@&*! - I often miss the boat on these type of things so it really pisses me off when I get my act together and am thwarted!

12:15-1:00 Eat lunch with Honey then take a quick shower.

1:00-4:30 Work on Slide presentation for seminar - it seems never ending! Break it up with some Words with Friends. Incidentally, Jeff is a ringer and is soundly kicking my ass even as he claims "I haven't played in at least a year". Whatever Jeff - What. Ever.

4:30-8:15 Honey goes with me to pick the girls up from their AfterSchool. We drop La off and go in for a quick chat. That turns to a couple glasses of wine which then turns into dinner out with both families. I don't have to cook which makes 3 nights this week, Suzy Homemaker I'm not! I don't get the stuff done at home that I'd planned to do, like folding the laundry (haha who'm I kidding) and putting away the box of Christmas stuff still sitting in my office. It's worth the trade off though.

8:45 Realize that we didn't give Shorty her spelling test but decide that we can do it in the morning if we get up 10 minutes early. Not going to garner me Mother of the Year but still seems like a good plan since I'm walking into walls!

9:00 Early mornings and exercise have officially kicked my ass - I'm going to bed.

The BIG Experiment!! Day Three by Diane

4:38 am  Wonderful Hubby wakes me up with his snoring.  This is a recurring theme in our household.  Move to spare bedroom.  Spend half hour worrying about interview.  Fall back to sleep.

6:25 am  Woken by small dog who wants food.  Wonderful Hubby comes to wake me up as well, since my alarm has gone off, and then goes to wake the kids.  I am grateful for having prepared the coffee to start automatically.

6:30-7:30 Take out recycling, drip stale beer down my shoulder.  Not going to ruin my mood, however. Got the kids out the door on time and with most of their morning chores completed!  Even stopped the car before pushing them out at school!

7:30-8:45 Have a walk with Kim.  Good discussions of why our hubbies are helping out MORE than usual this week.  BOTH husbands have pointed out that they'd do whatever around the house, we only had to ask.  Strangely enough, we haven't had to ask them to do anything so far this week, they've just seen something needing to be done and done it.  Think the blog is great in more ways than one!  Got a bit lost and had to use the iPhone to find our way back to our cars.

8:45-9:30 Yikes!  Gotta hustle to shower and prepare for interview.  Try on aforementioned out of date suit.  Marvel that it still fits (see that scheduled exercise really pays off!) and looks okay.  It is a bit uncomfortable because it has a waistline that goes over the navel, and I have been wearing low-rise pants for the last 5 years, but, with the jacket on, no one will know but me!

10:00-11:00 Meet with a wonderful friend who has a need for some part-time contract work.  (It really is all about who you know!)  Work out a win/win for both of us.  If CFO agrees, I start next week!  Really great company with bright engaging professionals.  Got to use big words!  Head home, starting to really HATE suit and want to pull an Al Bundy.

11:00-1:15  Voicemail from teacher who says son might have pink eye.  Ignore it.  They'll call again if they need to send him home.  Panic about what happens now that Wonderful Hubby is traveling.  Emails from volunteers in a panic.  Get home, want a stiff drink, settle for what's left of the coffee, RIP off evil suit and throw it into a pile - climb into comfy jeans and slouchy sweater.  Sit down to work.

1:45-3:00  Realize that I forgot that I'd help out at kids' school and hustle out the door so that they don't wind up riding the bus home to find that I'm not.  Have kids do homework while volunteering.

3:30-5:00  Take kids to Toys R Us.  Need birthday gifts, and kids are dying to spend gift cards.  Curse gift cards given by well-meaning family members.  Tell kids only 1/2 an hour.  1 and 1/2 hours later, leave store.

5:30-7:00 Yay! Awesome brother comes to rescue and grabs kids for dinner.  Work on volunteer projects in peace.  Have glass of wine!  Forget to make to-do list for tomorrow.  Remark that I need to 1. take dog to the vet, 2. take car in for repair, 3. am almost out of milk.  Wonder when the heck I'm going to do that!?

7:00-9:00 Friend time!  Enjoy get-together at friend's.  Feel connected with other women/mommies.

9:00-10:00 pick up sleeping kids from Awesome Brother's and try to sneak them into bed before they wake up too much.  Have LONG conversation with emotional (and tired)7 year old. Realize I have only had string cheese, coffee, and wine to eat today.  Have another glass of wine, eat frozen dinner and a bunch of potato chips while catching up on DVR TV(so much for that workout).  Feel guilty, throw away bag of chips.

For the most part, this was a good fulfilling day.  Didn't spend enough time with children, which seems to show.  Plan on making up for that tomorrow!

The BIG Experiment!! Day One by Diane

6:30-7:30 Getting kids ready for school:  Went generally well for a Monday.  Reconsidering the chores assigned to children.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down, Opened car door= pushed them out

7:45-9:00 By some small miracle traffic was slight for a Monday. Had great work out, feel good!

9:00-9:45 I am clean and pretty.  Wonder what will happen when I have to wear something besides jeans and slippers, however.

9:45-11:30 Sit down in home office.  Odd smell in seldom used room.  Resist urge to investigate.  Resist urge to answer emails.  Post blog.  Read blogs.  Resist urge to look at emails.  Work on resume.  Hubby comes by to see what I am up to.  Response: "Working"

11:30  Finally succumb to incessant chiming of emails.  ACK!  Email from hubby (who works in the other room, no less) to check out some $10 socks he wants to buy.  Resist urge to scream.

11:35  Back to work on resume.  Research resume writing tips.

12:00  Hubby comes by to see what I am doing.  Response: "Working"

12:10  Hubby comes by to ask if he can make me a sandwich.  How nice- good husband.

12:15-1:15  Continue to work on resume and research.  Still wondering about that smell...

1:15-2:15  Proud of myself, actually did answer all of my PTA emails and worked on volunteer activities!

2:15-4:30  Was worried about this part of the day.  Fortunately, hubby helped son with homework and I continued to clean around the house, including finding and cleaning source of strange smell.  Got one load of laundry folded while children put their clothes away, and managed to return a phone call and some emails, most of which were volunteer related (so much for sticking to one hour).

4:30-4:40  Forgot to pay a bill due tomorrow.  Thank goodness for online banking.

5:00-6:15  Wonderful hubby prepares meatloaf while I fold laundry and order children to put it away.  Remind children of their chore responsibilities while making potatoes, salad and green beans to go with aforementioned meatloaf.  Play words with friends while cooking.  Pour glass of wine.

6:15-7:30  Clean up while wonderful hubby bathes kids.  Unfortunately the dishwasher is still running, so rinse dishes and pile in sink.  Wonder if I will get to them tonight, or wait until the morning.  Program coffee maker (bonus!) for early start.  Another load of laundry done. Pour second glass of wine

7:30-8:00  Read kids a book, worry that 5 year old will never read because his mommy never reads to him.  Check email and I have an interview on Wednesday!  Wow... then the panic sets in...ah, hell, lets have another glass of wine!   Make to-do list for tomorrow (finish resume!)

8:00- 10:00 Wow, today wasn't so bad.  I'm thinking that this might be do-able.  I still have laundry piled in the hallway, my bed isn't made, and the dishes are still in the sink, but feel I have accomplished more than I expected.  Then again... tomorrow is another day!

The BIG Experiment!! Day 1 by Kim

6:30-7:30 Hit snooze until 6:40 but fortunately Shorty is a better morning person than her mom - so smooth sailing for a Monday morning.

7:30-7:45 Slowed down and she remembered to tuck and roll!

7:45-9:00 Didn't make the workout as I was obsessing about the huge amount of crap that I had to do. Hubby gets all chatty while I'm typing but after a few grunted responses asks if I want to be left alone.

9:00-9:45 Still wearing the pj, yoga pant, hoodie combo that I pulled on when I got out of bed. Soooo pretty. But have whittled down my to-do list enough that I'm able to see the rest of my week being ok which feels like a decent trade off.

9:45-11:30 Have gotten SO much done! Only played words with friends twice and danced with the cat once...not too shabby!

11:30 Made some lunch and walked past all the dishes still in the sink where they were left by unnamed family members. Maybe they will put themselves into the dishwasher...

11:35 Chuckle at Diane's husbands' quest for $10 socks and marvel at her restraint. Thank Hubby for picking up prescription and feel slightly bad that I didn't wait to have lunch with him.

11:45 Back to work. Edited seminar materials, posted the resume blog entry, paid bills, and did some more research.

1:15 Decide that today I'm going to "volunteer" to shower and the "passion" that I'm going to focus on is making myself generally presentable. Feeling like a scrub, albeit an extremely productive scrub.

So my following of the schedule this morning wasn't too great, seeing as I didn't get the workout or the shower in - but tomorrow is another day! And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this afternoon...

2:20 Got Shorty picked up and ran to Walgreens. Now she's putting her clothes away while I peck away on this and then it'll be time for homework. Fractions today - it's a little disconcerting when you're apprehensive about 2nd grade homework but she still believes I know everything. Do you remember fractions...I don't!

2:30 - 4:30 Shorty does homework and I putter around in the house, nothing especially constructive. Hubby loads the dishwasher and starts it. :)

5:30 Realize that I bought flounder instead of ANY other type of fish plus it's been a couple of days so it's a bit sketchy. Hubby cooks flounder and squash while I make a chimichurri sauce to disguise flounder. Comes out of oven - blech, not eating it!

6:30 Make spaghetti. Laugh about disgusting flounder as a family.

8:00 Shorty to bed and Hubby and I watch House.

9:30 BED!!!

10:30 To sleep.

The thing that made the most impact on me today is that if I block out the time to work and have the discipline to stick to that schedule, I get so much more accomplished and feel better about myself (and things in general) at the end of the day. I was disappointed that I didn't get a work out in but have to really work at making that a non-negotiable priority, hence I'm walking with a friend at 6:30AM tomorrow. I also will remember that I don't like sketchy flounder.

So... where do we go from here?? by Diane

Ditto Kim!! Just as glad as I was to find that I wasn't the only one who wished to get back into the workforce, I think we were both stymied on where to start. "What do you want to do with your life?" echoes in my mind every morning when I wake up. As powerful and successful as I used to be before I left the workforce, and as wonderful as I am at being a stay-at-home (SAH), it is still difficult to answer that question.

I recently accompanied my husband on a long weekend business conference. In the evenings, the company would have us all out for cocktails and then dinner. I was surprised by how much fun it was to talk to people about the business again. I was actually able to hold a conversation about something other than homework and head lice epidemics at school! Phew, I really am an adult after all!

Going on that trip, while I know that there is still a lot that I have to do, find that old PC with my resume, for one, I finally figured out what I want to do.... I want to ROCK!!

You mean I'm not the only one?? by Kim

Diane and I were walking one morning a few weeks ago (a future post about my newly discovered need for Spanx will elaborate on the walking thing), and talking about our ambivalence about going back to work. We’re both ready to regain the professional self that we used to be, adding to the wife and mommy selves that we have been for the past several years.

After reassuring each other multiple times that this desire isn’t a reflection of any sort discontent with our family life or the choices that we have made, we started talking about our efforts to rejoin the workplace as we had left it and discovered…that we have NO idea how to go about it, where to start or really even what we want to do when we go back. Plus random things like:

Do I remember how to interview as the confident, successful professional woman that I was when I left? Because I suspect that these days I will be more like the awkward, sweating, bright red (I'm a blusher) mess that I was when I first graduated from college and was looking for my very first job.

Are the professional contacts I used to have even still around, it's been a while.

Am I willing to work the way that I used to? Probably not

What will my kids think? More importantly, are they going to develop psychological complexes and juvie records that add to the burgeoning case of maternal guilt that I'm already facing for even considering this move?

Will my husband rally and truly help or will I have to kill him?

Where did I pack my business clothes away?

Are shoulder pads still in style? (Just kidding, of course they are.)

What did I do with the old PC that my last known resume was on? I'm pretty sure that I gave it to Goodwill....WTH do I do now?

Sorry for this Diane, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone...but it felt great to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling the pressure of wanting something that I couldn’t entirely define and the frustration of not knowing how to attain it.

Our conversation ended that day with a shared commiseration that it was a shame we weren’t bakers or we could open our own cupcake shop and be done with it!