Tips for Leaving the Nest

Congratulations Kim!!  I too have been out of the blogging loop for awhile, so much so as I forgot my login and password!  As you mentioned, because I took a temporary contract position.  I have learned so much from my experience to share with everyone thinking of going back to work, after being a stay-at-home mom for so long.  Here's my story:

A few months ago, I was sitting with a group of girlfriends talking about work.  I mentioned that I was looking toward going back to work, being in the land of people who talk about more than just their children, their children's school, the state of education, etc.  I have a fabulous friend who pretty much runs her company, while being mom to two terrific kids, and one ornery husband.  She said, "if you are serious about this, come and work for me for a little while to get your resume current and brush up on some skills".

TIP #1:  Most of you already know this, but it's not what you know, but who you know.  Reach out to those former employers, employees, friends and acquaintances!

So, I took fabulous friend up on the offer.  Part-time, while children were in school and still allowing for the workout in the morning.  Perfect!  I was sitting in on meetings, mostly feeling lost, and was going to be substitute for a project manager who was going to get married and be on her honeymoon at the end of a project.  It was a win-win for both the boss and me - he gets cheap, really skilled labor (though a bit rusty) and I get out of the house, into the land of the working, and some current experience on my resume!

TIP #2:  Going back into the workforce may result in a temporary cut in pay.  If you can, be sure you are really going to love the job you'll be doing and that it will support your priorities (which are usually more important than the money!)

After a couple of weeks, fabulous friend came to me and asked me if I could work on another project, with a tight deadline of 5 weeks for a client.  I was offered an increase in pay for the added headache and increased responsibility.  Sure, for a few weeks, that's okay - an occasional late evening here and there, working from home.  No problem.

TIP #3: As soon as they see how truly awesome you are, they'll be pleased with their decision and start giving you more responsibility and respect!

I set the expectation with wonderful hubby and kids.  Wonderful hubby agrees to step things up a notch on the household responsibilities and starts grocery shopping, doing laundry, picking up the kids and taking care of them when he's home.  I start having to ask my friends to take my kids on evenings when he's not home, and realize that I am racking up the "IOU"s.  A little guilt settles in, and I start taking on a few playdates of my own to repay the IOUs.  Now, I am swamped.  Responsibilities at work are increasing, I feel guilty about the time I miss from work, and the begging for people to take care of my kids when hubby's traveling.

TIP #4:  Set your limits, but know they are always going to ask for more

The next week, they have increased my rate and asked me to work full time until the completion of the project, which is a very important project and potential for a whole bunch more projects in the future.  How can I refuse?!  I discuss the matter with wonderful hubby.  Not sure if we still both see eye to eye on this, but it's only temporary.  I enroll the kids in after school care, reminding myself that it is only temporary.  Now the guilt really sets in... I get up, get kids ready, get myself ready, drop them at school, head to work... check in to see what I missed from the day before, work all day until dinner time, still leave before anyone else, sit in traffic until I can pick my kids (starving and tired) up from after school care.  Fix them ridiculously unhealthy meal, check their homework, put them to bed and drop myself in bed and fall immediately to sleep.  I have had no workout, no me time, I haven't called my best friend (who had a baby a week ago) to chat, haven't had couple time, and haven't even spoken at my kids except to bark at them to do their next chore or to stop whining.  Feel guilty all around... just to start it up all over again.

TIP #5:  There's no avoiding the guilt, just embrace it.

So, what have I learned through this "project"?  I have learned a bunch!  I have learned that I don't want to be the big career woman that I was before kids.  The one who could work until 8 pm and not feel guilty (or tired).  I want a career that is manageable alongside my family life.  Honestly, I think that a lot of companies say that they are considerate of families, or that families matter to them, but when it comes down to it, there are very few who practice what they preach.  (I do happen to think that my current employer is this sort of company, but they have just had a temporary influx of work - pretty good in this economy)  There are also positions in which it is going to be required that you are in an office.  These tend to be less flexible than those which do not require you to be in the office.

So, if you know of any part-time, flexible positions out there, please share with the rest of us!  It'd help to narrow down the focus of our job search!
TIP #6:

It's time to leave the nest (again) by Kim

Recently I was approached by a colleague whom I worked with in my prior life. He's tired of working for the man and has a great idea for starting up a new company - he just needs someone to market it (that would be me) and help provide a non-engineering view of how to structure and package it (also me). We met last weekend and I'm not going to lie - I'm pretty excited about the potential. I'm also surprisingly giddy at the prospect of getting in front of customers and doing what I'm pretty damn good at. Not to mention it would feel pretty stinking good to truly contribute financially to our household.

Then, while discussing this with Honey, he got a somewhat hurt expression and says "well if you're going to go out and market in the industry, I'd rather you sell for me" - (amazing what a little competition will do). Of course this leads to the question of whether we could work effectively together....but that's another blog post.

And so I've been obsessively contemplating what it is that I want to do now. Di's had a great opportunity to get back into the work place over the past months - and while there have definitely been challenges- it appears that she's thoroughly enjoying reestablishing that part of herself that isn't wife or mom and I'll admit it, I'm envious of that. Don't get me wrong, I've got a great life and I love the flexibility that I now have to try things out but at a certain point I'm just spinning my wheels - it's time for me to put on my big girl pants and fully commit to a course of action! So I'll be making lists, looking at the family logistics and weighing various possibilities over the weekend but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be opting for the opportunities that get me out of the home office and back in front of clients...stay tuned.

Dropping the Ball(s)

I have to apologize. I've been gone, absent, MIA, and AWOL for the past 2 weeks. As good as I get at juggling, there are times that life just kicks the crap out of me while I'm looking the other way. Since the holiday break that closely followed by The Great Blizzard of 2011, it has felt like I'm slipping, hanging on by my fingertips sometimes and not quite able to catch my balance. 2 weeks ago I completely careened off track.

It doesn't feel like it's always been this way. When I was a single, working mom, I could do it all. I was able to keep a (relatively) cleanish house, the laundry caught up, dinners on the table (so what if Shorty and I ate out so often that when we did eat at home she was looking for the waitress), and my work/life obligations handled with aplomb.

Then Shorty and I moved to Thailand and it became pretty darn easy to be a single working mom. In fact, I can't honestly say that I was a single mom there. After all, get the violins and hankies ready, we had a maid, nanny and driver (K. Pim, Kwang, and K. Tanin) who were with us all the time and in fact made up a family of sorts for us. When Shorty learned to ride a bike, it was Khun Tanin who ran up and down the street with her. And when I got home in the evening, Khun Pim had dinner made and the laundry done, and we could all sit down and eat dinner together. The time that I could spend with Shorty was the "quality kind" because Kwang made sure that she was bathed (along with any other children that were at our house! (But that's another story!)) and that homework was done. I knew that she was loved and cared for and played with and so while there was always the pang of guilt that comes motherhood, I didn't worry as much as I had before. We were spoiled and it was awesome.

Then we met and married Honey and it turns out that I didn't know what awesome really was! We moved back to the US and are a real family, he was the piece that was missing. But.....it seems that I lost that ability to multitask - to get the laundry done, the groceries stocked, the dinner on the table in a timely fashion, all while excelling at my job (I know, I know the violins are playing). And even though all time spent with Shorty is the "quality kind", I spend more of it fussing about homework, trying to remember when her last shower was, and getting after her to do her chores. Some days I'm sick of myself so I can only imagine how she feels! And so things slide through the cracks.

Last week Shorty has a stomach ache and a fever. After trying to let it fix itself for a day or so, Honey took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with strep...and extreme constipation. The strep...ok, fine, it's been going around. But the doctor asked when the last time Shorty had pooped was and when neither of them knew, proceeded to give him the full lecture that really should have been given to me. Turns out she's been so constipated that her colon is stretched out and she's full of poo, she doesn't get enough fiber or water and I'm a terrible mother. OK, she didn't say that last part but it was implied. How did I miss this? Since I don't have to wipe her butt anymore, I have to say that my observations about her regularity (or irregularity as the case might be) are solely based on making sure that she has toilet paper in her bathroom. But shouldn't I have noticed or asked or...something? Is it because I've been so busy trying to get it all together and working and exercising and being all things to all people? Am I bad mother?

Right on the heels of that Honey and I got the flu. Bad. He's been completely knocked out of commission this week, suddenly the partner that I rely on to help me juggle was out of the game. So I dropped all pretense of trying to do it all and concentrated on the basics - Shorty, food, school. Screw work (which I realize it a luxury most don't have) and exercise. Surely I could handle those few things, even with the flu myself -  I once worked/parented for 3 weeks with dengue fever for God's sake!! But all I can say is thank God for friends because they pitched in and helped to take care of Shorty so that we could mend. I guess that I can't do it all any more and that's hard for me to admit.

But as I sit here typing this post, I see pretty clearly that I don't have to do it all by myself anymore. I have a wonderful husband (who usually doesn't have the flu) and fantastic friends and an amazing daughter. I'm disappointed in myself for dropping so many balls, but I have the support structure to be able to pick them up again. And I guess that's the important thing for any mom who's going back to work - find those supporters, be they husband, family, or friends and let them help!

So this post started as one thing and during the very long, drawn out way has become something else. Find your support, allow yourself to appreciate it, and utilize it. And talk to your kids about their poop every day.

Achieving the Work-Life Balance... how will your life look when you go back to work?

I was recently in a meeting with the Wellness Council for our school.  This is a group of volunteers that don't run in my social circle, but with whom I enjoy chatting and they offer me a different perspective on many topics of discussion.  All of the members of this committee are working mothers (and grandmothers), who have numerous commitments, but who feel passionately about the health and wellbeing of children.  Wellbeing - such a robust word.

As we were finishing up the meeting, one of the members mentioned that her new boss at work, during an annual review and goal setting meeting, asked her what her priorities for the upcoming year would be.  She responded with a few goals for her areas of responsibility, but her boss told her that no, her responsibility for the year would be to achieve a work-life balance.  My friend explained to us that she had always had managers who didn't care how much you had to work, or what was going on at home, but they were results driven individuals.  Her new manager gave her a list that went something like this:

1.  Learn to say No
2.  Attend ALL of the school functions

A little while later, my friend's manager brought her aside and told her that she had heard she was doing a great job saying no at work.  And it was a compliment!  What a great mentor to have!

Sometimes, we get so focused on achieving results that we forget to look at the big picture, and to make life-work balance a priority.  Take a moment to picture how you want your life to look when you go back to work.  Do you want full-time, part-time, flexibility to work from home, a family oriented company, something close to your neighborhood?  When you go out on your job search, keep this in the forefront of your mind, so that you will only look at positions in which you can achieve the balance and find your wellbeing.

Managing HOME when you go back to work, or, what we can learn from Kramer v. Kramer

The other evening I had the rare privilege of sitting and watching an entire movie on TV without falling asleep half-way through.  The movie was Kramer v. Kramer which, everyone should know, stars a young Dustin Hoffman and absolutely beautiful Merryl Streep.  In a nutshell, it's about a couple with a young child going through a divorce in 70's.  I was blown away at not only the performances by the actors, but by how this movie reflects what any family goes through when there is a major change in the home.

The story goes something like this: A self-absorbed "bring home the bacon" man comes home from the office to find that his stay-at-home wife is leaving him and their child.  She is unfulfilled by being a stay-at-home mom, and needs to be more than a wife and a mother.  Fortunately, we don't have to divorce our husbands and leave our children in order to have a job and feel complete.

For most of the remainder of the movie, we see the father bumble through all of the childcare, household chores, and responsibilities that, until then, had been handled by the mother.  Many of us would probably like to see how our wonderful husbands would manage being the sole care-giver.  I have an enormous amount of respect for single moms and dads.  Here are some other revelations that I had:

We ALL expect our kids to be resilient to change, when in fact, they shouldn't be expected to just "buck up".  Deal with the attitudes and the temper tantrums with a little bit of patience, understanding, and love.  Everyone needs a little time to adjust to a major change, like mommy going back to work.

Dads, expect your children to test you!  This is part of the process of change that the kids will have to go through.  Even if they should know better, that was in the "old" world, and with a major change, you are now entering the "new" world.  Don't get mad, just stand your ground.

They even had those dreaded goody bags after birthday parties in the 70s!

Can you believe they bought milk in quarts back then?!  Today we buy everything in gallons or in bulk.  A quart wouldn't last a day in my house and I'd have to add another item on my TO DO list.  No thanks!  But, this is interesting on many levels... I will spare you the soapbox (today).

Poor dad had to go to a PTA meeting at the school at 4:00 (taking time from work) because it was his responsibility!  I know that this is one of the first things to be crossed off of the list when both parents work, but, (and here I will get on my soapbox) make sure that, when you go back to work, that one or both parents are still actively engaged in your child's school and education.  This should be as much of a priority as homework, or feeding your family nutritious meals.  I'm not saying to go out and overcommit and volunteer for everything.  Know your limits, of course.  But, studies show that parents who are involved in the education of their children (beyond homework) have children who take their education seriously.  Pass it on!

Big Sexy

A few months ago Honey and I were in Asheville for a little R & R. Driving along the highway, we came up behind a white Lexus SUV and covering the back window was "Big Sexy" written in flowery, white script. We sped up and moved alongside the SUV and there on the side window was "Big Sexy" written again. Curiosity was killing us as we pulled up closer to the driver's side window and we started craning our necks so that we could see this person who had deemed herself "Big Sexy". Being extremely subtle about it, we finally pulled alongside and indeed, she was Big and she was Sexy. We laughed and went on our way, making the occasional Big Sexy reference throughout the rest of the trip, simply a little personal joke for us to share.

I think about Big Sexy every once in a while and I'm envious of the sheer balls that it takes to proclaim yourself "Big Sexy" for the all world to see. Because not a day goes by that I don't beat up on myself for my weight OR what I've eaten OR the amount of exercise that I (did or didn't) get OR the way my clothes fit... I've been in a constant losing battle with myself for as long as I can remember. And it sucks.

I mean really, there are so many things in my life as a working mother/wife that I can legitimately feel guilty about, for example:

• Not knowing the last time Shorty took a shower.
• Not having anything in the house to eat because I haven't gone to the grocery store in 2 weeks.
• Not realizing that what Honey really needed was for me to be his cheerleader, not his drill sergeant.
• Realizing on Monday morning that none of us has clean underwear.

Those are things to feel kind of guilty about...but I can pretty easily forgive myself for stuff like this. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving about most things, whether it's me or someone else, I mean we're all just doing the best we can, right? But when it comes to my body and weight I'm brutal to myself, in a way that I would never, ever be to anyone else (even my ex-MIL or Gwynyth Paltrow).

And I'm not the only one, I can't think of a single woman I know who is completely happy with her body. And I have to say...my friends are total babes!

I know that these aren't original thoughts or issues. Books and articles galore have been written on the topic, Oprah and Dr. Phil have done countless shows, and there are more diets out there than people in China. But none offer a real solution or a magic fix and I've just sort of accepted it as part of my psyche.

Until this week, when Shorty told me that within her group of friends, girls have been calling themselves and each other fat. They're 8. And I have to wonder, did our own self-hatred and discontent get transferred to them, because even if I never say a single word about it in front of her, guilt this pervasive has to be obvious on a subliminal level.

So I'm going to start being nicer to myself because this isn't what I want for my daughter. As she grows up, no matter what her size, I want her to always know, without any doubt, that she's Big Sexy.

But it will be ok if she doesn't write it on her car.

What I learned in THE BIG EXPERIMENT! by Kim

It was an interesting week and while there was a part of me that viewed it as a lark, I learned quite a bit about how I do things and where my priorities lay.


First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.


I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.


Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.


Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.


Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.


Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging!  I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.


Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?


I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.