Trying to Live the Life I know...by Kim

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It's not only drug-addled 19th century authors - I tend to start many of my days with a completely unrealistic expectation of how the day will unfold. It's especially true around New Years as those nagging resolutions start creeping into my brain. The things that I SHOULD, and every year DO, resolve to do: lose weight, eat healthier, not yell at my husband, clean the kitty litter out without cursing, wake up early each morning for some meditation time, be punctual, stop procrastinating, quit cursing so much, be a perfect mother, wife and friend, be successful at my job and balance it perfectly with everything else, shower everyday....see I'm already way past 6.

So I've decided that I'm going to try to live 2011 based on the things that I know, not believe, but know.

I know that if I fit some exercise in at least a couple times a week I will feel better, more centered and productive, more confident, and be less likely to yell at my husband.

I know that if I get up when the alarm goes off, instead of hitting the snooze button like a pinata, that getting the day started and my daughter off to school will be far more pleasant for everyone AND I won't spend the day feeling guilty that I yelled at her on the way out the door.

I know that if I set manageable goals for the work that I want to accomplish and then follow through that I won't lay awake obsessing about all the things that are undone.

I know that if I don't lay awake obsessing and actually get some sleep that it's more likely I won't yell at my husband.

I know that if I treat my friends and family the way I would like them to treat me, we'll all be ok and know that we are loved.

I know that I will never stop cursing, or enjoy changing the kitty litter, or start meditating, but I'm going to give punctuality another shot.

I know that I recently discovered dry shampoo for a reason and that showering everyday is overrated and probably bad for your skin.

It's not a perfect plan and I'm certain that I will fall short occasionally but I believe that by focusing on the things that I know - achieving the things that I want will be the natural result.

And it's after breakfast so I know this is possible!

Thoughts for the interview...

Pat yourself on the back for going on an interview, Kim! Maybe it was an exercise in humility, but it certainly was good practice! Your wonderful husband and daughter are right, you have accomplished so much. Often, I feel that we SAHs don't give ourself enough credit for what we have accomplished... I got my kids out the door this morning without screaming at them, for one. Hey, it's no small feat in my world!

So, what else have we accomplished?

Let's take a look at all that volunteering:

Kim worked the book fair, for example. Here's the spin:

1. You successfully managed a team of 20 individuals.

2. You had a budget responsibility for 20% of the "company"'s gross profit.

3. You managed to increase your own department's budget by 10% from last year - even in these challenging economic times!

4. You assisted your company in reaching 106% of its annual revenue by the second quarter, even better!

5. What about how your team built a strategic marketing campaign to reach its target audience? Your team, under your leadership, no less, utilized new marketing and advertising techniques (ie: social media, print and e-newsletter ads, etc.)

6. What else? Did you come in under-budget? I'm sure you did!

If we begin to look at our non-income generating activities as if they were an actual job, which they are, then we come to realize just how much we have done, how much we have learned, and even if the PTA book fair isn't a Fortune 500 company, that activity has added to our "work" experience, and it needn't be forgotten!

Losing Confidence (and finding it again)

So I know that I promised a follow up story about THE INTERVIEW, but it's just too humiliating to recount...suffice it to say that the formidable, confident, well-spoken woman who had managed huge projects and earned millions of dollars for my respective employers totally deserted me. In her place was a sweating, stumbling, inarticulate mess and as I watched myself in a sort of out of body experience I wondered "what happened?"

A few years of being out of my industry had left me unable to converse about it and more importantly I'd lost the confidence, once an intrinsic part of my personality, that enabled me to sell myself, my talent, and even to spin my challenges into benefits for a prospective employer. And the farther I bumbled along through the interview, the worse it got and the further my confidence sank.

That experience was a massive blow to my belief in my ability to get back into my industry, or really into the work place at all. It stayed with me for quite a while and as a result I tabled my job search.

Sitting here and being able to look at it with the perspective of a bit of distance, I can say that I haven't lost that woman or her abilities - all that I lost was the self-confidence that propelled me in all the endeavors that I have ever decided to undertake.

I can't pinpoint when I regained that confidence again. It could have been reviewing my resume and realizing all that I had accomplished or reminding myself that although I haven't been in the office I've accomplished a hell of a lot at home and in my life during this time. It was in no small measure to the cheerleading of my husband - he's never doubted me, nor has my daughter. It's probably all of that and some stuff I can't even name - but regardless, it's back and it's been tempered with a little humility now.

I can't tell anyone else how to regain that drive, sparkle, cockiness, and complete confidence in her abilities but I would suggest that it hasn't gone away - it's just hiding, waiting for you to remember that this time away from the workplace has only made you better, stronger, more able to multitask and be empathetic. Diane's post perfectly describes the qualities that SAH moms have gained in our time away from the workplace - but they do not define us, they simply are additions to the fierce women that we were before.

All that being said, when you are ready to get back into the fray and start interviewing, a little preparation goes a LONG way in reducing the sweat factor! I found the below link today - it provides real interview questions and responses from a HUGE array of industries - it's too varied to be useful for rote memorization and boilerplate Q&A but it'll remind you of the lingo, the tightrope walk and the language of your industry or industries that you might want to explore.

http://www.consultingcase101.com

I'm now able to remember who I was but more importantly I can celebrate who I am.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? By Kim

There was this article, “Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering” by Hilary Stout in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html?_r=2&emc=eta1&pagewanted=all) about a week ago, and when I read it I was thinking, “hell yeah, the volunteering demands are insane and can get totally out of control – those women got it figured out!” But as the week has gone on several points made in the article have been bugging me a little. And so, at the risk of becoming extremely unpopular, I’m going to let them go.

First let me say that I have it in me to be both types of moms that are described – I have been the frazzled, “let me try to be all things to all people” type as well as the “screw them all, I’m not doing it and they can’t make me” type. I think that we probably all have that potential.

Stout talks about the irony that moms do all of this volunteering ostensibly to be there for our kids and let them know how much we care about them, then however, the kids get stuck with babysitters or otherwise short-changed because mom is so busy working for the school that she doesn’t have time for them. I would also put forth that it’s not necessarily doing our kids any favors to be invading their world all the time. They are just starting to grow up and find their place in the world as they know it, to develop their voice, and discover where they belong. As parents, we are a huge part of that world and that’s as it should be, but school has always been the place that becomes “their” world – it’s where they learn how to socialize, to accommodate, to fight, to be part of a group, to study and learn independently – hell, just to become more independent in general. It’s normal – it’s part of growing up. If Mom is there ALL the time – in the classroom, on the field trips, in the library, in the cafeteria – how do they get to stretch a bit and to learn that independence that’s so critical for social growth and personal responsibility? Don’t get me wrong – it IS important to be there for events or the occasional lunch and they do love seeing you there at those times, but much more frequently than that and I have to wonder if we aren’t just making school an extension of home and that our hovering will take away the autonomy that they need to feel at this age.

Stout talks about mom guilt complexes and the almost competitive drive to “out-mom” each other. I've found that nobody can make me feel like a crappier mom than another mom – we’re our own worst enemies sometimes. You find yourself in a conversation with a group of other moms and it becomes a case of one-ups-momship: who is the busiest, who has the most meetings, who has the most to do….and on and on. I’m blessed with a wonderful group of friends – we are all moms and we all support each other unequivocally and fiercely….but those conversations still happen – I engage in them too. And as many benign conversations there are that happen amongst friends there are also those that happen with the “queen bee” moms that you walk away from feeling….less than. And so you sign up for more and more trying to reach the pinnacle of martyrdom that will allow you to converse with those “queen bees” and walk away feeling….more than. Guess what….it’s never going to happen. Ever. And that’s when you have to relearn the lesson that you learned when you were growing up, the one that you try to teach your own kids….it doesn’t matter what other people do or say – the only one that has to be happy with the things that you do is….you. Screw ‘em.

That being said, the decision that the moms in the article made to just quit everything and walk away seems to be just the different side of the same coin – the anti – martyrdom martyrdom, if you will. It seems a little extreme and doesn’t address any of the issues that arose from all the volunteering – it just takes them from the other side. It makes it seem like an addiction, one that you have to give up entirely or you will be consumed and hit rock bottom, living in a box and volunteering for everything from the PTA to the Shriners. I think that might be a little dramatic.

Can’t there be a balance? It seems that if you take the time for a little introspection that maybe there’s a middle ground to be reached. The first thing that seems critical to figure out is WHY? Truly and honestly – what need is being filled by all the volunteering? There is one and only we know what it is. Clarity and self-knowledge have to be there to help us to find the balance.

Secondly, what do you enjoy being a part of? I really liked co-chairing the book fair – it allowed me to be around the kids and gave me an event to plan and execute. I was proud with its’ success and had a blast doing it – I will do it again. I don’t like PTA meetings or the Fall Festival – so I don’t do those things. Figure out what you like and do it – let someone else do the other stuff. There will ALWAYS be someone else to do it – and if there’s not, so be it, the world will not come to an end. People may complain that they are SO busy now that you are shirking your volunteer duties, but….

That brings me to the final thing in this rant….WHO CARES??? The only person that has to be happy with your decisions is you! If you are happy and comfortable with your level of volunteering you may actually find that you enjoy the things that you are doing with your kids and more importantly, they will enjoy you doing it, your husband might not leave you, and you will be closer to the balanced life that we are all trying to lead.

Are you there job?? It's me, Diane...

Gotta love that story!! Hurray for the interview... I haven't even gotten there yet. As with many SAHs we now have the option to go back to the same career or industry, or to engage in a new one. Regardless of which we choose, we all have to reinvent ourselves. Not only are we now moms, but we are older (gasp!), wiser women. We should be able to ask for, and receive, what it is that we want. So, that begs the question: What kind of career do I want??

My husband asked me to write down all of the things that I would be happy doing, regardless of whether they were actual careers. As I pondered this, I thought, "gee, I'd be happy doing anything, as long as it was in the right sort of environment!" I want to work for a company in a position that is flexible, one that is challenging and engaging, and one that puts me in contact with (relatively) intelligent adults. I want a career that doesn't require me going back to school or spending tons of money to re-educate myself. As much as I'd love to be a child psychologist, my heart just isn't into studying late every evening and spending my afternoons around skinny 20-somethings who have never even had a child, but want to analyze them. I admire those of you who have the drive to do this, its just not me.

So, where am I going to find this job?? And more importantly, how am I going to convince them to hire me? What do I bring to the table??

For one, I am resourceful (always have been) - meaning that if I don't know the answer or how to do something, I will figure it out (fairly quickly, I might add). That's why I can fix an air-cooled VW bug with a gum wrapper and some duct tape.

Secondly, if you are willing to be flexible with my schedule, I will actually work during the hours that you employ me! Instead of surfing the net, tweeting my friends or checking facebook statuses. And, I promise, no blogging on the clock either!

I will get twice as much done in half as much time: Moms need to be efficient. We are masters at multi-tasking. We need to get as much done as possible in a short amount of time!

How will I do this? I am educated, experienced, and confident. I am able to make decisions quickly and easily, and I'll have a spreadsheet to back up my reasoning. I am a leader that others will respect (just ask anyone who has worked for me or with me in the past). I am also, because of the flexibility, the most talented and experienced individual that you will get for a reasonable price! We are former directors, VPs, managers of multi-million dollar companies, who managed teams with multi-million dollar budgets. Don't think we haven't continued to be efficient just because we managed our smaller household budgets!

Now, how do I put that all in a resume???

THE INTERVIEW or....

How I decided that self-employment seemed like a pretty good idea. By Kim

Last April I was dying to go back into the Manufacturing Operations industry – I was eagerly looking forward to the challenges and being able to interact with peers, I just wanted to get through the summer. In May, I was eagerly searching, figuring it would take the summer months to find something and get the ball rolling but that I would be able to enjoy the time with my family. In June, I was less actively searching but still jonesing to get back into my profession after school started in the Fall. In July, eh….but a couple of prospects had come along and so I thought that I might as well go interview.

Now I’m not going to say that THE INTERVIEW(s), and everything that went along with them, completely made me want to explore the possibilities of self-employment, but….

Suits and pointy-toed heels:

After my time in Thailand, where I had to wear everything to death due to the lack of shopping for “Western-sized women” (“we don’t have extra extra-large size for you, Madame”), I came back to the US with one suit and one pair of shoes. No worries, as you only need one to interview. I found them, pulled them out and started getting dressed. Maybe you’ve heard the expression “two possums wrestling in a gunny sack”, well apparently some badgers had eaten the possums and were PISSED to be stuck in this particular gunny sack – not pretty, not pretty at all. OK, no big deal, I would just have to go shopping, I thought, that’s fine I like shopping and at least I have the shoes.

The shoes….after 20+ years of wearing heels of every type, you would think that a person’s feet would be immune to just about anything and there was a time that I could’ve jogged the NYC marathon in stilettos without even wincing. Unfortunately, after a year+ of sandals, flip flops, tennis shoes and ballet flats, sliding back into those fabulous heels was a bit like sliding into medieval torture devices. I was undaunted though, my feet just aren’t used to heels anymore, I’d wear them around the house for a while and get readjusted in no time flat. Twenty minutes later, I was pretty certain that my effing feet had also gotten fatter, and as I crawled up the stairs to my room, I cheerily repeated to myself – shoe shopping too, I love shoe shopping!

Shopping day…trying on suits. I was feeling pretty good because I haven’t actually gone up a size, it’s more like bits of me have shifted around (read: down) a little and that’s ok, it’s normal in fact, gravity and all that (full turn in the mirror)…..what the hell is that on my ass….is that….cellulite??!!!

Spanx.

The best thing that I can say about that particular shopping excursion is that I did find the penultimate pointy-toed heel – Cole Haan makes all of their shoes with the Nike Air technology in them and the Miranda Pump is without a doubt the best multipurpose “work” shoe I’ve ever worn. Don’t misunderstand, it’s still a pointy-toed heel but your “back-to-work” feet will thank you!

I know that I haven’t even gotten to THE INTERVIEW yet, but I’m going to have to regroup and have a glass of wine before I can recount the rest of my humiliating tale.

If you’re wondering why I’m (over)sharing this with you, it’s partly to illustrate one of the 3 major obstacles that Diane and I see in getting back into the workplace, which is:

"If it’s been so long, and so much about me has changed, that my work wardrobe is obsolete, I can’t begin to imagine what has changed in my industry. I know that there are new business philosophies, technology, and buzz-words, and that business practices have shifted along with the economy. But I’m not entirely sure what has changed AND if I have this much trouble getting my wardrobe together, how am I possibly going to catch up on my industry in time to sound articulate and relevant (and not like I’ve been talking “mom-speak” for the past 5 years) in time for THE INTERVIEW, much less in the actual workplace? Being humiliated in the dressing room is one thing, being humiliated in front of my peers is another!"

So one of our goals is to provide that industry knowledge so that there’s one less thing to worry about.

…..and you’ll find the Spanx link in the LifeSavers section of this blog! ;-)