There was this article, “Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering” by Hilary Stout in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html?_r=2&emc=eta1&pagewanted=all) about a week ago, and when I read it I was thinking, “hell yeah, the volunteering demands are insane and can get totally out of control – those women got it figured out!” But as the week has gone on several points made in the article have been bugging me a little. And so, at the risk of becoming extremely unpopular, I’m going to let them go.
First let me say that I have it in me to be both types of moms that are described – I have been the frazzled, “let me try to be all things to all people” type as well as the “screw them all, I’m not doing it and they can’t make me” type. I think that we probably all have that potential.
Stout talks about the irony that moms do all of this volunteering ostensibly to be there for our kids and let them know how much we care about them, then however, the kids get stuck with babysitters or otherwise short-changed because mom is so busy working for the school that she doesn’t have time for them. I would also put forth that it’s not necessarily doing our kids any favors to be invading their world all the time. They are just starting to grow up and find their place in the world as they know it, to develop their voice, and discover where they belong. As parents, we are a huge part of that world and that’s as it should be, but school has always been the place that becomes “their” world – it’s where they learn how to socialize, to accommodate, to fight, to be part of a group, to study and learn independently – hell, just to become more independent in general. It’s normal – it’s part of growing up. If Mom is there ALL the time – in the classroom, on the field trips, in the library, in the cafeteria – how do they get to stretch a bit and to learn that independence that’s so critical for social growth and personal responsibility? Don’t get me wrong – it IS important to be there for events or the occasional lunch and they do love seeing you there at those times, but much more frequently than that and I have to wonder if we aren’t just making school an extension of home and that our hovering will take away the autonomy that they need to feel at this age.
Stout talks about mom guilt complexes and the almost competitive drive to “out-mom” each other. I've found that nobody can make me feel like a crappier mom than another mom – we’re our own worst enemies sometimes. You find yourself in a conversation with a group of other moms and it becomes a case of one-ups-momship: who is the busiest, who has the most meetings, who has the most to do….and on and on. I’m blessed with a wonderful group of friends – we are all moms and we all support each other unequivocally and fiercely….but those conversations still happen – I engage in them too. And as many benign conversations there are that happen amongst friends there are also those that happen with the “queen bee” moms that you walk away from feeling….less than. And so you sign up for more and more trying to reach the pinnacle of martyrdom that will allow you to converse with those “queen bees” and walk away feeling….more than. Guess what….it’s never going to happen. Ever. And that’s when you have to relearn the lesson that you learned when you were growing up, the one that you try to teach your own kids….it doesn’t matter what other people do or say – the only one that has to be happy with the things that you do is….you. Screw ‘em.
That being said, the decision that the moms in the article made to just quit everything and walk away seems to be just the different side of the same coin – the anti – martyrdom martyrdom, if you will. It seems a little extreme and doesn’t address any of the issues that arose from all the volunteering – it just takes them from the other side. It makes it seem like an addiction, one that you have to give up entirely or you will be consumed and hit rock bottom, living in a box and volunteering for everything from the PTA to the Shriners. I think that might be a little dramatic.
Can’t there be a balance? It seems that if you take the time for a little introspection that maybe there’s a middle ground to be reached. The first thing that seems critical to figure out is WHY? Truly and honestly – what need is being filled by all the volunteering? There is one and only we know what it is. Clarity and self-knowledge have to be there to help us to find the balance.
Secondly, what do you enjoy being a part of? I really liked co-chairing the book fair – it allowed me to be around the kids and gave me an event to plan and execute. I was proud with its’ success and had a blast doing it – I will do it again. I don’t like PTA meetings or the Fall Festival – so I don’t do those things. Figure out what you like and do it – let someone else do the other stuff. There will ALWAYS be someone else to do it – and if there’s not, so be it, the world will not come to an end. People may complain that they are SO busy now that you are shirking your volunteer duties, but….
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