I have to apologize. I've been gone, absent, MIA, and AWOL for the past 2 weeks. As good as I get at juggling, there are times that life just kicks the crap out of me while I'm looking the other way. Since the holiday break that closely followed by The Great Blizzard of 2011, it has felt like I'm slipping, hanging on by my fingertips sometimes and not quite able to catch my balance. 2 weeks ago I completely careened off track.
It doesn't feel like it's always been this way. When I was a single, working mom, I could do it all. I was able to keep a (relatively) cleanish house, the laundry caught up, dinners on the table (so what if Shorty and I ate out so often that when we did eat at home she was looking for the waitress), and my work/life obligations handled with aplomb.
Then Shorty and I moved to Thailand and it became pretty darn easy to be a single working mom. In fact, I can't honestly say that I was a single mom there. After all, get the violins and hankies ready, we had a maid, nanny and driver (K. Pim, Kwang, and K. Tanin) who were with us all the time and in fact made up a family of sorts for us. When Shorty learned to ride a bike, it was Khun Tanin who ran up and down the street with her. And when I got home in the evening, Khun Pim had dinner made and the laundry done, and we could all sit down and eat dinner together. The time that I could spend with Shorty was the "quality kind" because Kwang made sure that she was bathed (along with any other children that were at our house! (But that's another story!)) and that homework was done. I knew that she was loved and cared for and played with and so while there was always the pang of guilt that comes motherhood, I didn't worry as much as I had before. We were spoiled and it was awesome.
Then we met and married Honey and it turns out that I didn't know what awesome really was! We moved back to the US and are a real family, he was the piece that was missing. But.....it seems that I lost that ability to multitask - to get the laundry done, the groceries stocked, the dinner on the table in a timely fashion, all while excelling at my job (I know, I know the violins are playing). And even though all time spent with Shorty is the "quality kind", I spend more of it fussing about homework, trying to remember when her last shower was, and getting after her to do her chores. Some days I'm sick of myself so I can only imagine how she feels! And so things slide through the cracks.
Last week Shorty has a stomach ache and a fever. After trying to let it fix itself for a day or so, Honey took her to the doctor where she was diagnosed with strep...and extreme constipation. The strep...ok, fine, it's been going around. But the doctor asked when the last time Shorty had pooped was and when neither of them knew, proceeded to give him the full lecture that really should have been given to me. Turns out she's been so constipated that her colon is stretched out and she's full of poo, she doesn't get enough fiber or water and I'm a terrible mother. OK, she didn't say that last part but it was implied. How did I miss this? Since I don't have to wipe her butt anymore, I have to say that my observations about her regularity (or irregularity as the case might be) are solely based on making sure that she has toilet paper in her bathroom. But shouldn't I have noticed or asked or...something? Is it because I've been so busy trying to get it all together and working and exercising and being all things to all people? Am I bad mother?
Right on the heels of that Honey and I got the flu. Bad. He's been completely knocked out of commission this week, suddenly the partner that I rely on to help me juggle was out of the game. So I dropped all pretense of trying to do it all and concentrated on the basics - Shorty, food, school. Screw work (which I realize it a luxury most don't have) and exercise. Surely I could handle those few things, even with the flu myself - I once worked/parented for 3 weeks with dengue fever for God's sake!! But all I can say is thank God for friends because they pitched in and helped to take care of Shorty so that we could mend. I guess that I can't do it all any more and that's hard for me to admit.
But as I sit here typing this post, I see pretty clearly that I don't have to do it all by myself anymore. I have a wonderful husband (who usually doesn't have the flu) and fantastic friends and an amazing daughter. I'm disappointed in myself for dropping so many balls, but I have the support structure to be able to pick them up again. And I guess that's the important thing for any mom who's going back to work - find those supporters, be they husband, family, or friends and let them help!
So this post started as one thing and during the very long, drawn out way has become something else. Find your support, allow yourself to appreciate it, and utilize it. And talk to your kids about their poop every day.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Achieving the Work-Life Balance... how will your life look when you go back to work?
I was recently in a meeting with the Wellness Council for our school. This is a group of volunteers that don't run in my social circle, but with whom I enjoy chatting and they offer me a different perspective on many topics of discussion. All of the members of this committee are working mothers (and grandmothers), who have numerous commitments, but who feel passionately about the health and wellbeing of children. Wellbeing - such a robust word.
As we were finishing up the meeting, one of the members mentioned that her new boss at work, during an annual review and goal setting meeting, asked her what her priorities for the upcoming year would be. She responded with a few goals for her areas of responsibility, but her boss told her that no, her responsibility for the year would be to achieve a work-life balance. My friend explained to us that she had always had managers who didn't care how much you had to work, or what was going on at home, but they were results driven individuals. Her new manager gave her a list that went something like this:
1. Learn to say No
2. Attend ALL of the school functions
A little while later, my friend's manager brought her aside and told her that she had heard she was doing a great job saying no at work. And it was a compliment! What a great mentor to have!
Sometimes, we get so focused on achieving results that we forget to look at the big picture, and to make life-work balance a priority. Take a moment to picture how you want your life to look when you go back to work. Do you want full-time, part-time, flexibility to work from home, a family oriented company, something close to your neighborhood? When you go out on your job search, keep this in the forefront of your mind, so that you will only look at positions in which you can achieve the balance and find your wellbeing.
As we were finishing up the meeting, one of the members mentioned that her new boss at work, during an annual review and goal setting meeting, asked her what her priorities for the upcoming year would be. She responded with a few goals for her areas of responsibility, but her boss told her that no, her responsibility for the year would be to achieve a work-life balance. My friend explained to us that she had always had managers who didn't care how much you had to work, or what was going on at home, but they were results driven individuals. Her new manager gave her a list that went something like this:
1. Learn to say No
2. Attend ALL of the school functions
A little while later, my friend's manager brought her aside and told her that she had heard she was doing a great job saying no at work. And it was a compliment! What a great mentor to have!
Sometimes, we get so focused on achieving results that we forget to look at the big picture, and to make life-work balance a priority. Take a moment to picture how you want your life to look when you go back to work. Do you want full-time, part-time, flexibility to work from home, a family oriented company, something close to your neighborhood? When you go out on your job search, keep this in the forefront of your mind, so that you will only look at positions in which you can achieve the balance and find your wellbeing.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Managing HOME when you go back to work, or, what we can learn from Kramer v. Kramer
The other evening I had the rare privilege of sitting and watching an entire movie on TV without falling asleep half-way through. The movie was Kramer v. Kramer which, everyone should know, stars a young Dustin Hoffman and absolutely beautiful Merryl Streep. In a nutshell, it's about a couple with a young child going through a divorce in 70's. I was blown away at not only the performances by the actors, but by how this movie reflects what any family goes through when there is a major change in the home.
The story goes something like this: A self-absorbed "bring home the bacon" man comes home from the office to find that his stay-at-home wife is leaving him and their child. She is unfulfilled by being a stay-at-home mom, and needs to be more than a wife and a mother. Fortunately, we don't have to divorce our husbands and leave our children in order to have a job and feel complete.
For most of the remainder of the movie, we see the father bumble through all of the childcare, household chores, and responsibilities that, until then, had been handled by the mother. Many of us would probably like to see how our wonderful husbands would manage being the sole care-giver. I have an enormous amount of respect for single moms and dads. Here are some other revelations that I had:
We ALL expect our kids to be resilient to change, when in fact, they shouldn't be expected to just "buck up". Deal with the attitudes and the temper tantrums with a little bit of patience, understanding, and love. Everyone needs a little time to adjust to a major change, like mommy going back to work.
Dads, expect your children to test you! This is part of the process of change that the kids will have to go through. Even if they should know better, that was in the "old" world, and with a major change, you are now entering the "new" world. Don't get mad, just stand your ground.
They even had those dreaded goody bags after birthday parties in the 70s!
Can you believe they bought milk in quarts back then?! Today we buy everything in gallons or in bulk. A quart wouldn't last a day in my house and I'd have to add another item on my TO DO list. No thanks! But, this is interesting on many levels... I will spare you the soapbox (today).
Poor dad had to go to a PTA meeting at the school at 4:00 (taking time from work) because it was his responsibility! I know that this is one of the first things to be crossed off of the list when both parents work, but, (and here I will get on my soapbox) make sure that, when you go back to work, that one or both parents are still actively engaged in your child's school and education. This should be as much of a priority as homework, or feeding your family nutritious meals. I'm not saying to go out and overcommit and volunteer for everything. Know your limits, of course. But, studies show that parents who are involved in the education of their children (beyond homework) have children who take their education seriously. Pass it on!
The story goes something like this: A self-absorbed "bring home the bacon" man comes home from the office to find that his stay-at-home wife is leaving him and their child. She is unfulfilled by being a stay-at-home mom, and needs to be more than a wife and a mother. Fortunately, we don't have to divorce our husbands and leave our children in order to have a job and feel complete.
For most of the remainder of the movie, we see the father bumble through all of the childcare, household chores, and responsibilities that, until then, had been handled by the mother. Many of us would probably like to see how our wonderful husbands would manage being the sole care-giver. I have an enormous amount of respect for single moms and dads. Here are some other revelations that I had:
We ALL expect our kids to be resilient to change, when in fact, they shouldn't be expected to just "buck up". Deal with the attitudes and the temper tantrums with a little bit of patience, understanding, and love. Everyone needs a little time to adjust to a major change, like mommy going back to work.
Dads, expect your children to test you! This is part of the process of change that the kids will have to go through. Even if they should know better, that was in the "old" world, and with a major change, you are now entering the "new" world. Don't get mad, just stand your ground.
They even had those dreaded goody bags after birthday parties in the 70s!
Can you believe they bought milk in quarts back then?! Today we buy everything in gallons or in bulk. A quart wouldn't last a day in my house and I'd have to add another item on my TO DO list. No thanks! But, this is interesting on many levels... I will spare you the soapbox (today).
Poor dad had to go to a PTA meeting at the school at 4:00 (taking time from work) because it was his responsibility! I know that this is one of the first things to be crossed off of the list when both parents work, but, (and here I will get on my soapbox) make sure that, when you go back to work, that one or both parents are still actively engaged in your child's school and education. This should be as much of a priority as homework, or feeding your family nutritious meals. I'm not saying to go out and overcommit and volunteer for everything. Know your limits, of course. But, studies show that parents who are involved in the education of their children (beyond homework) have children who take their education seriously. Pass it on!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Big Sexy
I think about Big Sexy every once in a while and I'm envious of the sheer balls that it takes to proclaim yourself "Big Sexy" for the all world to see. Because not a day goes by that I don't beat up on myself for my weight OR what I've eaten OR the amount of exercise that I (did or didn't) get OR the way my clothes fit... I've been in a constant losing battle with myself for as long as I can remember. And it sucks.
I mean really, there are so many things in my life as a working mother/wife that I can legitimately feel guilty about, for example:
- Not knowing the last time Shorty took a shower.
- Not having anything in the house to eat because I haven't gone to the grocery store in 2 weeks.
- Not realizing that what Honey really needed was for me to be his cheerleader, not his drill sergeant.
- Realizing on Monday morning that none of us has clean underwear.
Those are things to feel kind of guilty about...but I can pretty easily forgive myself for stuff like this. In fact, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving about most things, whether it's me or someone else, I mean we're all just doing the best we can, right? But when it comes to my body and weight I'm brutal to myself, in a way that I would never, ever be to anyone else (even my ex-MIL or Gwynyth Paltrow).
And I'm not the only one, I can't think of a single woman I know who is completely happy with her body. And I have to say...my friends are total babes!
I know that these aren't original thoughts or issues. Books and articles galore have been written on the topic, Oprah and Dr. Phil have done countless shows, and there are more diets out there than people in China. But none offer a real solution or a magic fix and I've just sort of accepted it as part of my psyche.
Until this week, when Shorty told me that within her group of friends, girls have been calling themselves and each other fat. They're 8. And I have to wonder, did our own self-hatred and discontent get transferred to them, because even if I never say a single word about it in front of her, guilt this pervasive has to be obvious on a subliminal level.
So I'm going to start being nicer to myself because this isn't what I want for my daughter. As she grows up, no matter what her size, I want her to always know, without any doubt, that she's Big Sexy.
But it will be ok if she doesn't write it on her car.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What I learned in THE BIG EXPERIMENT! by Kim
It was an interesting week and while there was a part of me that viewed it as a lark, I learned quite a bit about how I do things and where my priorities lay.
First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.
I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.
Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.
Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.
Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.
Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging! I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.
Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?
I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.
First let me say that Honey is one of the good ones...typically helpful and engaged. That being said...knowing that the blog was going on and that we were openly discussing husbands did make him step up his game. It was fantastic to have him identify what needed to be done and just do it. Of course I know that he'll do anything if I ask but sometimes, especially after a day of being after Shorty to do this or get that done, I already feel like a big, old nagging shrew and I don't want to be that person. Not having to ask felt AWESOME and more like we were a team instead just me being the taskmaster. I definitely prefer the team approach.
I need to find a way to get Shorty to do her chores without me being on top of her. It stresses me out, makes me "unpleasant" and is a huge time suck. I don't want to have to ask her to put her laundry away more than once - by twice I'm annoyed - by the third time my head spins around and I'm yelling (which makes me feel like crap because it's just laundry....however). It's a situation that needs to be resolved, I'm just not sure how to do it yet.
Like Diane I also ran out of milk (although never wine!) and we definitely ate out more than usual since I didn't go to the grocery store. My typical routine is to decide what we're going to have that day and shop specifically for that dinner. I've got to start planning ahead for the week, shopping for it on the weekend, and then actually cooking the things that we planned. My problem is that what sounds good on Sunday rarely appeals to me when it comes time to cook it on Wednesday - I'm going to have to get over that and find some ways to get all of us engaged in menu planning.
Having scheduled commitments made me accountable in a way that allowed me to meet my work goals.
Grouping errands together by task and proximity saved me a huge amount of time and driving.
Getting a workout in is the single best indicator of how my day is going to go. I feel more alert, confident, relaxed, energetic, and positive. Yet it's the first thing that I let go if I feel overwhelmed/busy, which is ridiculously self sabotaging! I've got to actively work on changing that mindset.
Having my days scheduled out along with the caveat that we stick to the schedule as closely as possible, really allowed me the freedom to be actively engaged with Shorty when she got home from school instead of trying to fit in all the little tasks that I normally would, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry or answering emails. It was good for us and I'm just going to have to find another time to get those things done....over a glass of wine in the evening?
I'm pretty damn lucky to have the support of my husband, daughter and friends, something that I already knew but came to truly value and appreciate last week.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
You're freaking amazing - be sure that they know it!!
The final post in our series on resumes, how to handle the holes and other pitfalls that cause us heartburn as we try to get back into the workplace. We feel that this post was the most important and also the thing that we're all least likely to do - so work on bragging!
Our guest blogger for this series is Sue Campbell, 1st-Writer.com, a professional resume writer and career strategist with over 18 years experience helping job seekers of every level achieve their career goals.
What do you think is the biggest mistake that women make when writing/rewriting their resume?
Not taking full credit for all they bring to the table and not fully recognizing or appreciating their own worth or corporate value. Using “I’m just..,” or “I’ve only…” at the beginning of any sentence.
Women sometimes dismiss or internally diminish incredibly valuable skills and abilities, thinking they have less value, somehow, or mistakenly believing that openly recognizing their own value and worth equals arrogance.
Of all the times in your life where humility may pay, writing your résumé is not one of them.
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