It seemed to make the most sense for me to take at least a year off to get us all situated and adjusted to our new lives....I was finally getting the chance to be the stay at home (SAH) mom that I had always envied! This would be awesome!!!!!
Talk about an identity crisis - it took me a full year (and many emotional breakdowns) just to learn how to be that woman and to be ok with it - and I was still chafing to get back to work.
Then the summer came and we had so much fun! For the first time EVER, there were no day camps, babysitters, or nannies, I just rolled with it and instead of feeling overwhelmed and guilty all summer - we had a blast! My husband is a consultant and was able to take time for us to take mini-vacations and hang out, Belle and I went to the pool often, had play dates, made new friends and strengthened existing friendships, and most importantly tightened our bond as a family. Maybe I was cut out for the SAH mom thing after all.....
The first clue really should have been the PTA book fair - I was one of three co-chairs and when we started I was very mellow about it all - have fun and make money for the school, what could be better? Somewhere during it all, it became a PROJECT like the many that I had managed during my career and the driven, overachieving Kim came out of stasis. I will say to my credit that I was able to step back and know when I should let one of my (wonderful) co-chairs talk to a vendor or volunteer who wasn't doing what they promised since it's (apparently) not politic to take volunteers to task. The Book Fair was a huge hit and we did have a lot of fun but the stage was set....
As I mentioned, my husband is a consultant. He picked up a short term gig as a Program Manager for an airline and it was a huge project (and incidentally what I did in my previous professional life)...inside I was salivating and green with envy. I pumped him for details, offered (unsolicited and unnecessary) suggestions, and was generally a pain in the ass. As I was emphatically demanding more information one evening, so irrationally mad that I was in tears, it occurred to me that I was trying to live vicariously through him - a definite A-HA and AH-SHIT moment.
So the writing is on the wall - I have to get back to work! But I've also finally found the joy in being a SAH mom and I'm not willing to give that up entirely - how do I find the balance? That's I've been noodling on for the past 6 weeks or so since my epiphany and what I was thinking about on the morning that Diane and I were walking and talking.
Where do I go from here and how do I get there? There's no roadmap for what I want to accomplish. And what is it exactly that I want to accomplish?
Diane summed it up perfectly...I want to ROCK!
And I suspect that we aren't the only ones.
Seriously I have no kids and I feel this way all the TIME! I think part of it has to do with our age - and what we want to do with the second part of our life - and the other part I'm just starting to understand is the American Guilt. Why do we feel guilty when not working? Why do we always have to have a project? Something to keep our minds occupied of course. But let yourself be uncomfortable. It's good for you...or so they say :)
ReplyDelete-Lauren
Ahhh....guilt! Plus don't forget defensiveness and feeling judged by women who are working AND women who aren't! The trick....or so they say :)...is recognizing that it's more likely my perception of their judgement that I'm reacting defensively to, I mean...I know that I'm a fascinating woman and all but it's probably not likely that everyone is spending their free time analyzing my life choices. Right??
ReplyDeleteHey there Kim,
ReplyDeleteJust found Cloleaf and I love it!What an interesting story you have. So many of us have these same struggles and issues. I am a working mom with a less than perfect job and have been really reflectitng on how to find the elusive BALANCE that I crave. I know that I do not want to be a SAH mom however I do not want to be Mrs. climb the ladder in Corporate America either; somewhere in the middle will suffice. Where in that huge gray of 'middle' is the question. My journey continues.... Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Tricia